STOP BEING OFFENDED: The World Does Not Have to Change to Make You Comfortable

 

STOP BEING OFFENDED

The World Does Not Have to Change to Make You Comfortable

Introduction

We have developed a strange idea in modern culture: If something offends me, you must change it.

You must change your words.

You must change your shirt.

You must change your hat.

You must change your opinion.

You must change your joke.

You must change what you believe.

You must change what you post.

You must change how you live.

Why?

Because I am offended.

No.

That is not how life works.

Being offended is a feeling. It is not a command that gives you authority over another human being.

Somewhere along the way, we began confusing personal discomfort with actual wrongdoing. We started treating the words “I'm offended” as though they automatically settle an argument. We began believing that if something makes us uncomfortable, somebody else must apologize, remove it, retract it, change it, or perhaps even be punished for it.

That is an incredibly unhealthy way to live.

You are going to encounter people who think differently from you.

They are going to vote differently.

Dress differently.

Worship differently.

Speak differently.

Raise their children differently.

Spend their money differently.

Express themselves differently.

They may wear a T-shirt supporting something you dislike. They may put a bumper sticker on their car that irritates you. They may wear a hat representing a cause, candidate, team, organization, or philosophy you cannot stand.

So what?

Keep walking.

Their shirt isn't your shirt.

Their hat isn't your hat.

Their bumper sticker isn't on your car.

Their opinion isn't required to become your opinion.

And your discomfort doesn't create an obligation for them to rearrange their life around you.

There are obviously boundaries. Threats, harassment, intimidation, discrimination, and genuine abuse are different matters. Society needs laws and reasonable standards governing harmful conduct.

But merely encountering an opinion, symbol, statement, belief, or lifestyle you dislike?

That is called living around other human beings.

The answer isn't to eliminate everything that bothers you.

The answer is to become emotionally strong enough to encounter things you dislike without falling apart.

I believe we need to rediscover a wonderfully liberating philosophy:

You live your life. I'll live mine.

I don't need to control you.

You don't need to control me.

We don't need to agree.

We don't even necessarily need to understand one another.

We simply need enough maturity to coexist without demanding that everyone around us become a reflection of ourselves.

That is freedom.

And freedom gets uncomfortable sometimes.

BEING OFFENDED DOES NOT MAKE YOU RIGHT

This may be difficult for some people to hear:

Your feelings do not automatically determine who is right.

You can be offended and wrong.

I can be offended and wrong.

Two people can hear precisely the same statement and interpret it completely differently.

One laughs.

One shrugs.

One becomes angry.

Which reaction establishes objective reality?

None of them automatically does.

They are reactions.

Your emotions are real in the sense that you genuinely experience them, but experiencing an emotion does not necessarily prove your interpretation is correct.

If someone says something and you become offended, you can certainly examine why.

Was the person intentionally insulting you?

Did you misunderstand?

Is there another interpretation?

Are you bringing previous experiences into the situation?

Is this worth responding to?

Could you simply walk away?

That last question has become terribly underrated.

You can walk away.

YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO A WORLD WITHOUT DISCOMFORT

Imagine trying to construct a society in which nobody ever encounters anything offensive.

Whose definition of offensive would we use?

Yours?

Mine?

Your neighbor's?

Your coworker's?

A teenager's?

A seventy-year-old's?

A conservative's?

A liberal's?

A Christian's?

An atheist's?

Someone from another country?

Someone from another generation?

It couldn't possibly work.

Almost every deeply held belief is offensive to somebody somewhere.

That's why the goal of a free society cannot be the elimination of offense.

The goal should be learning how people with dramatically different ideas can peacefully coexist.

That requires tolerance.

And genuine tolerance doesn't mean:

“I tolerate you as long as you agree with me.”

Tolerance becomes meaningful precisely when disagreement begins.

YOUR ANXIETY DOES NOT GIVE YOU AUTHORITY OVER SOMEONE ELSE

Suppose you see someone wearing a T-shirt with a message you strongly dislike.

You become irritated.

Maybe anxious.

Maybe angry.

Maybe offended.

Those feelings may be sincere.

But what happens next matters.

You have choices.

You can stare at the shirt and become increasingly angry.

You can confront the person.

You can demand they remove it.

You can photograph them and post the picture online.

You can encourage strangers to attack their character.

You can attempt to identify their employer.

You can organize a campaign to punish them.

Or...

You can keep walking.

That may be the healthiest option of all.

The ability to regulate your own reaction is far more empowering than trying to regulate everyone around you.

If your peace depends upon millions of strangers behaving exactly as you prefer, you have constructed an impossible life.

There will always be another offensive shirt.

Another offensive opinion.

Another offensive television program.

Another offensive song.

Another offensive social media post.

Another offensive person.

You cannot control all of them.

But you can control what receives your attention.

STOP TRYING TO CANCEL PEOPLE

One of the ugliest developments in public discourse is the desire not merely to disagree with somebody but to destroy them for disagreeing.

Someone says something unpopular and suddenly strangers want that person fired.

Boycott the company.

Call the employer.

Attack the family.

Dig through twenty years of social media posts.

Humiliate them publicly.

Make them pay.

For what?

Sometimes for expressing an opinion.

Think about the principle being created:

“If I dislike what you believe, I am entitled to interfere with your livelihood.”

Would you want that principle applied to you?

Because someday it might be.

A society that normalizes destroying people over unpopular opinions eventually creates frightened people who are afraid to speak honestly.

That isn't tolerance.

That isn't compassion.

And it certainly isn't freedom.

SOMEBODY IS PROBABLY OFFENDED BY YOU TOO

Here's something worth remembering whenever you're tempted to police everybody else's behavior:

Somebody somewhere probably doesn't like something about you.

Maybe they dislike your politics.

Your religion.

Your clothing.

Your car.

Your lifestyle.

Your personality.

Your sense of humor.

Your opinions.

Your hobbies.

Your parenting.

Your career.

Your social media posts.

Would you want every one of those people demanding that you change?

Probably not.

You would probably say:

“Mind your own business.”

Excellent advice.

Perhaps we should apply it equally.

DISAGREEMENT IS NOT HATRED

We have also developed a tendency to interpret disagreement as personal rejection.

“You disagree with me, therefore you don't respect me.”

Not necessarily.

“You disagree with me, therefore you hate me.”

No.

“You disagree with me, therefore you're attacking me.”

Again, no.

Two decent human beings can reach completely different conclusions.

They can argue passionately.

They can disagree profoundly.

And afterward they can shake hands and go have lunch.

We need more of that.

I disagree with you. You disagree with me. Neither one of us needs to disappear.

EMOTIONAL STRENGTH IS BETTER THAN A PROTECTIVE BUBBLE

You cannot make the entire world safe from every uncomfortable thought.

Even if you somehow succeeded today, tomorrow someone would say something else.

So perhaps the better strategy is not changing the world.

Perhaps it is strengthening yourself.

Learn to hear something you dislike without exploding.

Learn to encounter disagreement without interpreting it as an attack.

Learn to see a shirt you hate and keep walking.

Learn to hear an opinion you find ridiculous and think:

“That's their opinion.”

Learn to separate disagreement from danger.

That is emotional resilience.

And resilience will serve you much better than expecting everyone else to tiptoe around your sensitivities.

“BUT THAT OFFENDS ME!”

Okay.

Now what?

That is the question.

Being offended isn't necessarily the end of the conversation.

It might be the beginning of self-examination.

Why did that bother me?

Is there something I can learn?

Do I need to respond?

Would responding accomplish anything?

Can I respectfully disagree?

Can I ignore it?

Can I laugh?

Can I walk away?

Not every feeling requires action.

Not every thought requires expression.

Not every disagreement requires confrontation.

Not every offense requires an apology.

And not every battle deserves to be fought.

WE DON'T NEED TO LIKE EACH OTHER TO RESPECT EACH OTHER'S FREEDOM

This may be the simplest solution.

You don't have to like me.

I don't have to like you.

You don't have to approve of everything I do.

I don't have to approve of everything you do.

You don't have to understand my beliefs.

I don't have to understand yours.

But we can still recognize something enormously important:

Neither of us exists to make the other comfortable.

That doesn't give us permission to deliberately mistreat people. Basic courtesy still matters. Kindness matters. Respect matters.

But respect runs both directions.

You cannot demand freedom for yourself while demanding conformity from everyone else.

If you want room to live according to your convictions, you have to leave some room for other people to live according to theirs.

Conclusion: Live Your Life and Let Them Live Theirs

Perhaps we need to bring back one of the simplest lessons previous generations understood:

Not everything is about you.

The stranger's shirt isn't about you.

The hat isn't about you.

The bumper sticker isn't about you.

The person's political opinion isn't necessarily directed toward you.

Their religion isn't about you.

Their lifestyle isn't about you.

Their social media post may not have anything whatsoever to do with you.

Stop making everything personal.

You will become exhausted trying to rearrange the world so nothing ever bothers you.

And even if you succeed temporarily, eventually somebody else will come along and offend you again.

So what are you going to do?

Spend your entire life policing everyone?

Correcting strangers?

Demanding apologies?

Searching social media for something to be angry about?

Trying to punish people?

Convincing yourself that your emotional reaction gives you moral authority over everybody around you?

What a miserable way to live.

There is another option.

Live your life.

Do what you believe is right.

Wear your shirt.

Wear your hat.

Practice your faith.

Express your beliefs.

Vote according to your conscience.

Raise your family.

Pursue your dreams.

Love the people you love.

Build something.

Create something.

Help somebody.

Laugh.

Travel.

Learn.

Grow.

And extend that same freedom to everybody else.

When somebody says something you dislike, you don't always need to respond.

When somebody wears something you dislike, you don't always need to comment.

When somebody believes something you find ridiculous, you don't always need to correct them.

Sometimes the strongest response is no response at all.

Keep walking.

Keep living.

Keep smiling.

There is tremendous freedom in realizing that you do not have to participate in every argument you're invited to join.

And perhaps we should be careful when romanticizing the past. People certainly argued, protested, criticized, boycotted, and became offended decades ago too. Human beings have always disagreed.

But there is still something valuable in recovering the old-fashioned ability to say:

“That's none of my business.”

Imagine how many arguments would disappear.

Imagine how much social media outrage would disappear.

Imagine how much unnecessary stress would disappear.

Imagine how many relationships could survive disagreement.

Someone thinks differently from you?

Fine.

Someone dresses differently?

Fine.

Someone supports something you oppose?

Fine.

Someone dislikes something you love?

Fine.

You are still you.

Their opinion didn't diminish you.

Their shirt didn't injure you.

Their disagreement didn't take away your dignity.

Their existence doesn't require your approval.

And yours doesn't require theirs.

There is an enormous difference between confronting genuine mistreatment and demanding that other people eliminate everything that makes us uncomfortable.

We should absolutely stand against threats, harassment, cruelty, intimidation, and abuse.

But we should also develop enough emotional strength to distinguish those things from ordinary disagreement.

Otherwise, we risk becoming people who demand tolerance while practicing intolerance ourselves.

So the next time something offends you, before demanding that somebody else change, ask yourself a few questions:

Is anybody actually being harmed?

Is this truly my business?

Do I really need to respond?

Could I simply let this go?

You might discover that letting go feels pretty good.

You don't have to carry every offense.

You don't have to correct every person.

You don't have to win every argument.

And you certainly don't have to redesign the world around your personal preferences.

Life is far too short.

Spend your energy on something worthwhile.

Improve yourself.

Strengthen your relationships.

Take care of your family.

Pursue your goals.

Help your community.

Build your future.

Find some joy.

And when you encounter someone whose opinions, clothing, beliefs, politics, personality, or lifestyle offend you?

Unless they are actually harming you or someone else, perhaps the answer is remarkably simple:

Leave them alone.

Let them live their life.

You live yours.

Stop demanding that everybody change because you're offended.

Stop handing strangers control over your emotions.

Stop allowing every disagreement to become a personal crisis.

You don't need the whole world to agree with you in order to be happy.

You don't need everybody to approve of you in order to have value.

And everybody else deserves that same freedom.

Stop being offended by everything.

Start living.

Bill Conley
America's Favorite Life Coach