Divorced Fathers grieve the loss of their child or children, from a divorced Father’s perspective.

 Divorced Fathers grieve the loss of their child or children.

From a divorced Father’s perspective.

Divorced Fathers can grieve the loss of the daily connection they had with their children if the children’s primary custody is awarded to the Mother in the divorce.  I don’t think Mothers who are awarded primary custody fully understand or appreciate that there are nurturing, loving Father who grieve the loss of their children. I am one of those Father’s.

I was as integral a part of the raising of the children, if not more involved in attending to the daily affairs of the children.

It was me who woke the children in the morning, made them breakfast, made their sack lunches, drove them to school, picked them up from school, shuttled them around to their activities, coached their sports teams, helped them with their homework, put them to bed each night, read them stories or told them stories before they went to sleep.

My former spouse was a stay-at-home Mother and occasionally helped me with the children but it was I who was as equal a caretaker of the children.

The world that I knew while I was married abruptly changed when my former spouse and I divorced.  No longer was I caretaking and attending to the needs of the children on a daily basis. My life prior to the divorce revolved around taking care of the children, taking care of the home, taking care of the needs of my former spouse, providing for my Family, running errands, devoted to my church and the community.

You ask me how I had the time, I made time for what was most important to me and that was attending to the needs of my Family.

I had some early success in business and had children a little later in life which provided me with some flexibility when it came to committing time to my family and my vocation.

I was and am grateful that I had those years with my children, that I could serve the needs of my children and my former spouse, and that I was part of a family which for me was the greatest gift in the world.

I grieve the loss of being part of a family, being involved in my children's day-to-day affairs, seeing their smiling faces in the morning, and seeing them off to school.  I miss preparing a snack for them as I brought them home from school, ferrying them off to their activities, and spending time with them helping them with their homework. 

I miss seeing my children and I miss being part of a family.

For this Father, the importance of my presence in the home was paramount to my happiness in my marriage.  I know the importance of a Father in a home and I was willing to fight to keep my marriage healthy and happy so that I could remain in the home even to the point of losing a piece of who I was as a person.  I may have compromised way too much in my marriage but I did so because of my strong belief that I needed to be there for my children.

(I will publish as my next blog “Daddy I love you” which you may want to read where I discuss the role and responsibility of a Father.)

Mothers you know what type of Father your former spouse was to your children.  If he was a dedicated, devoted, loving Father to the children, know this, he is grieving the loss of the children and he may not know how to show or articulate it, but he misses his children.

There are plenty of men who grew up in intact families who wanted to start a family of their own and had no notion that one day they would be divorced.  The role model of a Mother and Father remaining married throughout their life has now shattered with the divorce and many men have a difficult or hard time understanding their role as parents when it comes to seeing their children live with their Mother.

This is foreign territory for these men.  They did not experience this growing up and they may have difficulty adjusting to seeing their children on a part-time basis which may manifest itself in ways that will confuse the Mother.  Knowing this, it is confusing for the Father as well.

Mother’s if you are the primary caretaker and now the courts have awarded you custody and the Father now has the right to see his children every other weekend, a total of around 6 days a month, know this, he is hurting inside, he may not show it, but I will guarantee you, the loss of seeing his children outweighs everything else “if” he takes his role as a Father as his number one priority in life, as I did.

My former spouse does not get this.  Since our divorce, she has decided it was up to the children to communicate with me regarding the parenting schedule.  She has refused to communicate with me regarding my visitation with the children.  She has also refused to drive the children to see me so I am the only one driving the kids back and forth between our two homes, which I gladly do. About a year ago my former spouse and her new husband moved an hour away from where the two of us were living (we were living 6 blocks away from each other in the same community).  I begged and pleaded with her not to move so far away, knowing that this would hurt my relationship with our children. My pleas fell on deaf ears. 

My children are teenagers now and have very busy and active lives.  I don’t see them as often as I like and I miss them. My former spouse continues to refuse the drive the children to see me and insists it is up to the children to determine if and when they will spend time with me, which these days is not very often. She insists if I want to see my children I should work it out with them. She takes absolutely no responsibility in making sure the children adhere to the visitation schedule. She refuses to participate in the parenting schedule leaving it all up to the children.

To make co-parenting matters worse, my former spouse refuses to communicate with me via phone, text, or email and brought me back to court so that she may receive more child support even though there has been no material change in my employment situation. The child support was determined just over a year ago and since then my former spouse has been attempting repeatedly to try and get more child support.

I don’t think she understands the importance of a loving Father in the life of a child. 

All I ever wanted to be was a Dad, a Father my children could count on.

That was taken away from me when I got divorced.  It is not the same as Fathering a child from a distance.  Calling and texting them, occasionally seeing them, or going to their activities and events is not the same as seeing them every day.

Moms, there are some Dads who love their children so much that they would do almost anything they could to spend TIME with them.  If your former spouse is one of these Father’s, please help him get the TIME he needs to be around his children.  Your children are the ones who will benefit.  Children need both a Mother and a Father, not just a Mother and not a Mother and a Stepfather. A child has the right to know their Father. A Father has a right to parent their children.

Let's all just get along for the sake of the child.

God bless you all.  May he fill your life with peace, joy, and happiness

There is a big problem in America today – Absentee Fathers

 

There is a big problem in America today – Absentee Fathers

In the intricate tapestry of American society, one glaring issue casts a long shadow: absentee fathers. The role of a father transcends mere biological connection; it's a mantle of responsibility to shape, guide, and nurture the next generation. However, across the nation, this responsibility is often neglected, leaving a trail of consequences that ripple through families and communities.

Fatherhood is not merely a title conferred by biology; it's an ongoing commitment to the holistic well-being of one's children. Yet, in too many cases, this commitment is forsaken, leaving children to navigate the complexities of life without the guiding hand of their fathers. This epidemic of absentee fatherhood permeates every stratum of society, from urban neighborhoods to rural communities, exacting a heavy toll on the fabric of family life.

The Challenge of Absentee Fathers:

The cornerstone of a stable upbringing lies in the presence of both parents, providing a nurturing environment where children can thrive. Yet, all too often, fathers shirk this duty, either by fathering children out of wedlock and subsequently abandoning them or by divorcing their spouses, thereby severing crucial familial bonds. Such actions unleash a torrent of emotional turmoil on children, manifesting as anxiety, confusion, and feelings of abandonment.

Children crave stability, security, and a sense of belonging, all of which are jeopardized in the absence of a father figure. Without paternal guidance, they may struggle to form healthy relationships, grapple with issues of identity and self-worth, and succumb to the allure of negative influences. The impact of absentee fathers reverberates far beyond the confines of the nuclear family, contributing to a myriad of societal ills, from juvenile delinquency to substance abuse.

The Role of Fathers and Mothers:

Within the family dynamic, mothers and fathers each bear distinct responsibilities. While mothers provide comfort and solace, fathers are entrusted with the crucial task of educating, training, and imparting moral guidance to their children. However, when fathers are absent or fail to fulfill this role effectively, children are left adrift, deprived of the guidance they need to navigate life's complexities.

Fathers serve as role models, imparting invaluable life lessons through their words and actions. They teach resilience in the face of adversity, integrity in the pursuit of excellence, and compassion in the service of others. Yet, when fathers are absent, this vital source of guidance is lost, leaving children to fend for themselves in a world fraught with challenges and temptations.

Impact on Religious Upbringing:

One poignant consequence of absent fathers is the erosion of religious upbringing. In many households, fathers serve as the primary spiritual leaders, imparting values, instilling faith, and fostering a connection with the divine. When fathers neglect this duty, children are deprived of a vital aspect of their spiritual development, leading to a generation adrift in a sea of godlessness.

The absence of paternal guidance in matters of faith leaves children vulnerable to the allure of secularism and moral relativism. Without a strong foundation in religious principles, they may struggle to find meaning and purpose in an increasingly secular world, susceptible to the transient pleasures of materialism and hedonism. The decline of religious values perpetuated by absentee fathers undermines the moral fabric of society, contributing to a culture adrift in moral ambiguity and spiritual bankruptcy.

The Call to Action:

Amidst these challenges, a clarion call resounds: fathers must reclaim their role as mentors and spiritual guides to their children. Beyond mere provision, they must actively engage in the moral and spiritual education of their offspring, nurturing them in the ways of the Lord and instilling a sense of purpose and direction.

Fathers must recognize the profound impact of their presence — or absence — in the lives of their children and rise to the occasion with courage and conviction. They must prioritize their role as fathers above all else, committing themselves wholeheartedly to the well-being and spiritual development of their children. For in their hands lies the power to shape a generation rooted in love, wisdom, and reverence for the divine.

In the fabric of American society, the absence of fathers casts a dark shadow, perpetuating a cycle of emotional turmoil and spiritual emptiness. Yet, amidst this bleak landscape, there lies hope in the transformative power of parental guidance. By embracing their role as educators and spiritual mentors, fathers can chart a course towards a brighter future, one where children are nurtured, empowered, and equipped to navigate life's challenges with resilience and faith. It's time for fathers to rise to the occasion, for in their hands lies the key to shaping a generation rooted in love, wisdom, and reverence for the divine.

As we confront the specter of absentee fathers, we must also acknowledge the broader societal forces at play. Economic disparities, cultural shifts, and changing family structures all contribute to the erosion of paternal involvement in children's lives. Addressing this multifaceted issue requires a concerted effort from all sectors of society — from policymakers crafting family-friendly policies to community leaders fostering a culture of fatherhood and responsibility.

Embracing a Renewed Vision of Fatherhood:

Central to this endeavor is a reimagining of fatherhood itself. No longer can it be confined to traditional gender roles or outdated stereotypes. Instead, fathers must be empowered to embrace their unique role as nurturers, educators, and spiritual guides. This means challenging societal norms that diminish the importance of paternal involvement and promoting a more inclusive vision of fatherhood that celebrates diversity and encourages active engagement in children's lives.

Investing in Support Systems:

Furthermore, we must invest in support systems that empower fathers to fulfill their role effectively. This includes access to parenting classes, counseling services, and mentorship programs tailored to the unique needs of fathers and their children. By providing resources and guidance, we can equip fathers with the tools they need to navigate the challenges of parenthood and cultivate healthy, nurturing relationships with their children.

Fostering Community Connections:

Lastly, we must foster a sense of community and interconnectedness that extends beyond the confines of the nuclear family. Strong social networks provide a vital source of support and encouragement for fathers, enabling them to lean on one another in times of need and share the joys and challenges of parenthood. Whether through faith-based organizations, neighborhood groups, or online communities, fathers must be encouraged to seek out support and camaraderie as they navigate the journey of fatherhood.

In closing, the issue of absentee fathers is a complex and multifaceted challenge that demands our collective attention and action. By recognizing the profound impact of paternal involvement on children's well-being and spiritual development, we can begin to lay the foundation for a brighter, more resilient future. Let us stand together in support of fathers everywhere, empowering them to embrace their role with courage, compassion, and unwavering dedication. For in their hands lies the promise of a better tomorrow, where every child is cherished, nurtured, and guided on the path to fulfillment and purpose.

 

Words are easily spoken, but not soon forgotten

 

Words are easily spoken, but not soon forgotten

In the depths of ancient wisdom lies a timeless truth, echoed through the ages—a truth so profound that it transcends the boundaries of time and space. Matthew, the Gospel bearer, imparts to us a revelation in the words of Matthew 15:11, 18-20:

"Make a tree good and its fruits will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruits will be bad. For a tree is recognized by its fruits (we are the tree). You brood of vipers, how can you that are evil say anything that is good. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouths speak. The good man brings good things out of the good that is stored up in him and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you man will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned."

These words resonate with a clarity that cuts through the noise of our daily lives, urging us to pause and reflect on the weight of our speech. For within our words lies the power to shape destinies, to mend broken hearts, or to inflict wounds that fester long after the sound has faded.

So critically important, are the words we choose to say one to another!

In the cacophony of modern existence, where haste often trumps mindfulness, we must tread cautiously upon the path of speech. Our tongues, like double-edged swords, hold the potential for both blessing and curse. They can build bridges of understanding or erect barriers of hostility. The choice, dear reader, lies within our grasp.

We have to watch what we say very carefully, we need to be slow to anger, have patience, and not say things that we will later regret. Our mouth and our tongue are used by Satan to cause pain, misery, and suffering to others and to ourself. Think before you speak! Ask yourself this question.

In the heat of emotion, when anger simmers and resentment boils, let us remember the admonition to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Let us temper our words with the wisdom born of introspection, lest we sow seeds of discord that yield a bitter harvest.

Choose your words carefully, they can destroy a relationship in no time.

Relationships, delicate as spun glass, can shatter under the weight of careless words. Like seeds cast upon rocky soil, they wither and die in the barren wasteland of miscommunication. Let us nurture them with the waters of kindness and understanding, that they may bloom in the radiance of love.

Words are easily spoken but not soon forgiven.

The scars left by hurtful words may fade with time, but their memory lingers like a shadow upon the soul. Let us guard our speech as a precious treasure, for once unleashed, it cannot be recalled. Let us choose our words with the same care we would select jewels for a crown, for they adorn the fabric of our lives.

In the quiet moments before you speak, let us heed the wisdom of ages past. Let us emulate the wise old owl, whose silence spoke volumes, and whose ears were attuned to the whispers of the wind. There once was a wise old owl, the more he saw, the less he spoke, the less he spoke, the more he heard, why can't we be like that old bird. Let us be mindful of the power we wield with our words, and let us use it not to wound, but to heal; not to divide, but to unite.

For in the end, it is not the volume of our speech that defines us, but the depth of our compassion and the sincerity of our intentions. Let us choose our words wisely, for they are the legacy we leave behind—a testament to the goodness that dwells within our hearts.

 

The 10 Commandments of Government: Unraveling the Fabric of Truth

 

The 10 Commandments of Government: Unraveling the Fabric of Truth

In the intricate dance between governance and truth, the presidency often emerges as both protagonist and antagonist. At the heart of democratic societies lies the implicit contract between leaders and the governed: a promise of transparency, accountability, and fidelity to the rule of law. Yet, beneath the veneer of political decorum, a murkier reality often lurks—a reality where the pursuit of power eclipses the sanctity of truth.

The presidency, with its aura of authority and prestige, wields immense influence over public discourse. From the lofty heights of the Oval Office, pronouncements cascade like edicts, shaping the narrative of the nation. But as the adage goes, with great power comes great responsibility—a responsibility to uphold the principles upon which democracy stands. Yet, history has shown us that this responsibility is not always heeded.

When faced with the constraints of law, the presidency has occasionally adopted a cavalier attitude, treating statutes as mere suggestions rather than binding obligations. This disregard for legal norms raises profound questions about the nature of executive authority and the limits of presidential power. In such moments, the presidency becomes a crucible—a crucible in which the competing forces of truth and power collide, often with unsettling consequences.

But why do we, as a society, tolerate such transgressions? Where is the institutional bulwark against executive overreach? These questions linger, casting a shadow over the bedrock principles of democratic governance. The role of Congress, as a check on executive power, is crucial in this regard. Yet, too often, partisan politics and institutional inertia impede its ability to fulfill this mandate effectively.

In the realm of public discourse, the presidency holds a unique position of authority—a position that demands both reverence and skepticism. The words of the president carry weight, but their veracity is not guaranteed. Indeed, the history of presidential rhetoric is replete with examples of half-truths, obfuscations, and outright falsehoods. In the pursuit of political expediency, truth becomes a casualty of power, relegated to the periphery of public consciousness.

As citizens, it is incumbent upon us to remain vigilant—to scrutinize the narratives presented by those in power and to hold our leaders accountable to the principles of transparency and integrity. The fabric of truth upon which democracy rests is fragile, easily frayed by the machinations of those who seek to manipulate it for their own ends. Only through unwavering commitment to the values of truth, justice, and accountability can we hope to mend the tears in this fabric and safeguard the future of our democracy.

The 10 Commandments of Government:

1.     "Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your country can give to you." This reinterpretation of Kennedy's famous call to service epitomizes a shift in societal values, prioritizing entitlement over contribution. The erosion of civic duty undermines the collective progress of society. When individuals expect the government to provide for their every need without reciprocal engagement, the social contract is strained, and the fabric of society weakens.

2.     "Nothing you have is yours, it belongs to the Government..." This assertion of governmental ownership instills a sense of dependency, blurring the lines between individual autonomy and state control. Such rhetoric fosters a climate of distrust and undermines the spirit of entrepreneurship. When citizens feel that their property is not truly their own, the incentive to innovate and invest diminishes, stifling economic growth and societal progress.

3.     "Today you have, tomorrow you will need..." This mantra of perpetual need perpetuates a cycle of dependency, relegating self-sufficiency to the annals of history. The normalization of entitlement erodes the foundation of personal responsibility. When individuals are conditioned to expect handouts rather than striving for self-reliance, the fabric of community cohesion unravels, replaced by a culture of entitlement and entitlement.

4.     "Obama’s Golden rule; we will do unto you, as we will not do unto ourselves." This inversion of the golden rule reflects a disconnect between leadership and empathy, where policies are crafted without regard for their impact on the governed. Hypocrisy becomes the hallmark of governance. When leaders fail to apply the same standards to themselves as they do to others, trust in government erodes, and the social contract is undermined.

5.     "What is mine is mine what is yours is mine." This reappropriation of property rights undermines the principles of ownership and meritocracy. The expansion of governmental control stifles innovation and disincentivizes productivity. When individuals feel that their hard-earned assets are subject to confiscation by the state, the incentive to invest and innovate wanes, leading to stagnation and decline.

6.     "The rich must be willing to give more and live with less..." This redistributionist ideology seeks to level the playing field through punitive taxation, disregarding the complexities of economic mobility. The demonization of success breeds resentment and stifles aspiration. When the fruits of one's labor are disproportionately taxed and redistributed, the incentive to excel diminishes, leading to a society where mediocrity is rewarded and excellence is punished.

7.     "The Government wants you to believe you are free..." This illusion of freedom belies the reality of governmental overreach, where surveillance and regulation encroach upon individual liberties. The erosion of privacy undermines the foundation of democracy. When citizens are subjected to pervasive surveillance and intrusive regulation, the fabric of trust between the governed and the government is torn, leading to resentment and dissent.

8.     "You do as your Government says or else." This authoritarian ultimatum undermines the principles of free speech and dissent, fostering a culture of fear and conformity. The suppression of opposing viewpoints stifles intellectual discourse. When individuals are afraid to speak out against government policies or express dissenting opinions, the fabric of democracy is weakened, and tyranny flourishes.

9.     "We can and will make decisions on spending your money better than you can..." This paternalistic assertion diminishes the agency of individuals, relegating them to passive recipients of governmental largesse. The erosion of fiscal responsibility perpetuates a cycle of dependency. When citizens are stripped of their autonomy and treated as wards of the state, the fabric of self-governance is torn, leading to a society where individual initiative is stifled, and creativity is quashed.

10.  "There are two sets of rules in life, one for your government and one for you..." This indictment of governmental hypocrisy highlights a systemic imbalance of power, where accountability is a privilege reserved for the governed. The erosion of trust undermines the social contract that binds society together. When leaders are held to a different standard than the general populace, the fabric of justice is rent asunder, leading to a society where impunity reigns and the rule of law is but a distant memory.

In the crucible of governance, truth emerges as a casualty of power. The rhetoric of leadership shapes the narrative of society, blurring the lines between fact and fiction. As citizens, it's incumbent upon us to interrogate the veracity of presidential proclamations and hold our leaders accountable to the principles of transparency and integrity. Only through vigilant scrutiny can we safeguard the fabric of truth upon which democracy rests.

The presidency, with its aura of authority and prestige, wields immense influence over public discourse. From the lofty heights of the Oval Office, pronouncements cascade like edicts, shaping the narrative of the nation. But as the adage goes, with great power comes great responsibility—a responsibility to uphold the principles upon which democracy stands. Yet, history has shown us that this responsibility is not always heeded.

When faced with the constraints of law, the presidency has occasionally adopted a cavalier attitude, treating statutes as mere suggestions rather than binding obligations. This disregard for legal norms raises profound questions about the nature of executive authority and the limits of presidential power. In such moments, the presidency becomes a crucible—a crucible in which the competing forces of truth and power collide, often with unsettling consequences.

But why do we, as a society, tolerate such transgressions? Where is the institutional bulwark against executive overreach? These questions linger, casting a shadow over the bedrock principles of democratic governance. The role of Congress, as a check on executive power, is crucial in this regard. Yet, too often, partisan politics and institutional inertia impede its ability to fulfill this mandate effectively.

In the realm of public discourse, the presidency holds a unique position of authority—a position that demands both reverence and skepticism. The words of the president carry weight, but their veracity is not guaranteed. Indeed, the history of presidential rhetoric is replete with examples of half-truths, obfuscations, and outright falsehoods. In the pursuit of political expediency, truth becomes a casualty of power, relegated to the periphery of public consciousness.

As citizens, it is incumbent upon us to remain vigilant—to scrutinize the narratives presented by those in power and to hold our leaders accountable to the principles of transparency and integrity. The fabric of truth upon which democracy rests is fragile, easily frayed by the machinations of those who seek to manipulate it for their own ends. Only through unwavering commitment to the values of truth, justice, and accountability can we hope to mend the tears in this fabric and safeguard the future of our democracy.

 

All I ever wanted to be was a full-time Dad, divorce changed all that

 

All I ever wanted to be was a full-time Dad, divorce changed all that.

Growing up I had an idyllic childhood; wonderful loving parents, 7 siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, life could not have been better.

As I grew into adulthood I knew I wanted a family, I wanted to have children, a stay-at-home wife, a house in the suburbs, and a stable job. Most importantly I wanted to be a full-time Dad. I wanted to wake up to my children, I wanted to put my children to bed, I wanted to play with my children and see my children grow. I wanted to devote myself to my wife and my children. All that changed when I got divorced, my former spouse moved a considerable distance away and my two daughters grew into teenagers. No longer did I see my children in the morning or the evening; no longer was I able to spend time on a daily basis catching up with their lives. No longer did I see their smiling faces. It seems like all I have been left with these days are phone calls and texts and the occasional visit. All I ever wanted to be was a full-time Dad. There are days I painfully grieve the loss of the relationship with my children, where tears stream down my face uncontrollably, where the sense of loss is so great that I find myself lying in bed wondering how can I improve the situation I have found myself in. I tell my children all the time how important they are to me, that I want to spend time with them, and that I am willing to do anything to spend time with them, this all falls on deaf ears, they are way too busy to spend time with their Father. They have no idea how I hurt inside, no idea the pain I feel in my heart, no idea how badly I would love to spend time with them. I wish they could understand. I wish they appreciated me. I wish they didn’t live so far away and I wish they knew how deeply I loved them and would do anything just to spend a few minutes with them. Divorce sucks.