Most bizarre letter ever written by an Attorney

Bizarre Letter from an attorney, one to another.

The following letter was written by one attorney to another which I came across and thought, this is the most bizarre letter ever written by an attorney. I have left out the names of the Attorneys for obvious reasons and I have also changed the identifying names of individuals and retail establishments so as not to identify them.  

I believe after you have read this letter that you too will say to yourself, WHAT?

__________________________________________________________

Attorney at Law

September, 2014 

Dear Mr. Peterson, 

I am in receipt of your two letters, dated August, 2014 and September, 2014. I also am still waiting for a copy of your client's 2013 tax return. Can you please send me a copy of that as soon as you receive it? Thanks. 

We also need to take the "diamond" ring from the safety deposit box you keep at the bank, and take it over to XYZ Jewelers and ask them to verify whether or not it is even a diamond and if it is, inquire as to whether it is the diamond that your client claims is the same one, that my client wore all during the marriage. I have done research on the issue and it is actually a very simple thing to determine. If it is not a fake or is a cheap knock off, it will be very easy for a competent expert at a diamond store to determine. Should be an interesting afternoon for us. It will be more fun than we have had together since the time in law school, when John Griffin sent out notes to all the women law students saying that the women students were taking the place of men at the law school and should quit on their own accord, but I digress.

As your client apparently found out, my client is not the famed "Jane Braine" and it was an act upon your client of a vengeful ex lover who apparently experienced some disappointment with your client's skills and was trying to let him know she is the one with the IQ. But in any case, my client does not have a secret identity as "Jane Braine." I will disclose that my favorite uncle used to call me "Janey Ligett" back in 1954. But, I have not thought of that for 60 years until I read the Jane Braine thing and remembered my sweet departed Uncle John. Of course I always thought of Uncle John on a daily basis, when I spent about 25 or 30 years following the Grateful Dead. Remember that one song called "Uncle John's Band?" I doubt you were ever a "Deadhead" but still you may remember the lyrics: 

"Uncle John’s Band"

Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more, 'Cause when life looks like Easy Street, there is danger at your door. Think this through with me, let me know your mind,Wo, oh, what I want to know, is are you kind? 

It's a buck dancer's choice my friend; better take my advice. You know all the rules by now and the fire from the ice. Will you come with me? Won't you come with me? Wo, oh, what I want to know, will you come with me? 

Goddamn, well I declare, have you seen the like? Their wall are built of cannonballs, their motto is "Don't tread on me, Come hear Uncle John's Band playing to the tide, Come with me, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. 

It’s the same story the crow told me; it's the only one he knows. Like the morning sun you come and like the wind you go. Ain't no time to hate, barely time to wait, Wo, oh, what I want to know, where does the time go? 

I live in a silver mine and I call it Beggar's Tomb; I got me a violin and I beg you call the tune, anybody's choice, I can hear your voice. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go? Come hear Uncle John's Band by the riverside, 

Got some things to talk about, here beside the rising tide. Come hear Uncle John 1s Band playing to the tide, Come on along, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go. 

Ahhh, those were the days. Well, back to the case at hand. You also wrote to me indicating that my client off "all communication" your client. Just as in Uncle John's Band, and "Jane Braine"  my friend, things "ain't always what they seem." 

Your client can always communicate with mine,  by email. The children have their own cell phones which he can use any time he likes to speak with, or text the children. He is able to communicate all day and night and is always free to continue to do so. He has never been cut off. He will never be cut off and like "Hope" that always springs eternal, there you have it. 

I have indeed (as you so accurately stated) given my client my most skillful, most excellent "expert advice." Alas,  if our clients could only get along as famously as we do -free from animosity - despite our differences. But, we do what we can, I suppose. 

Thank you so very kindly for reading this letter. However, I just hate it when you say things like either of our clients "called the police" on the other. I cannot imagine such an affront,  but I promise you that I will most "really and sincerely" tell my client that just like Rodney King, I do not understand why we "can't all just get along." But, then again poor Rodney did eventually die at the hands of the police. Oh well, perhaps you and I will fare better in our relationship. For myself, I would never call the police on you. 

As to the serious charge of "alienation" I would like to tell you that my client is a natural citizen having, been born in the United States. As for me, my ancestors came here on the Mayflower (true story) and therefore, the only thing I can imagine you mean is that somehow you may have formed the opinion that my client is not supporting your client relationships with his children. I would like to assure you that your client's good deeds to his children speak for themselves. I believe that as a father, he must see himself as a generous and kind father, who would never do anything at all to harm either his children, nor the mother of his children. I honestly believe that both of our clients see themselves in such a light, and I also believe that neither sees the other that way. But still, we try, do we not? If I have told my client that once, I have told her that one thousand times (well maybe not an actual thousand).  I am sure she agrees that she is good. I am sure your client agrees that he is good. Our charge is to get them each to see the other through the other's eyes. But as to the actual issue of "alienation" I really am somewhat confused. I believe personally that the alienation process is the actual divorce itself. But if not, I will try once again to work on that for you and your client. 

I hope that my having taken the time to be both lengthy, kind, warm and fuzzy with you will start a new and wondrous example for our clients as to how to get along. I know I try to set a good example with every case I have and I know you do as well. 

May the force be with us as we guide our clients through this universe of litigation. I am not sure if Obi-Wan Kanobi was in this universe or one close by - but like Buddha, I do believe that all universes are really just "one." 

Your Friend,

Signature of the Attorney

P.S. Your client apparently "keyed" my client's car recently. Maybe, if he did not do such things, I could get my client closer to her "warm fuzzy place" - like us! 

The following P.P.S was hand written.

P.P.S You try to work “Buddha” and “Obi-Wan” into one Sentence! : )

I have added and the following was not part of the letter….

The scariest enemy is someone so random you have no idea how to prepare, someone who has no rational fear of conseque