End your battle with your partner every time by saying this phrase

A new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, rather than try to win every argument with your dazzling debate skills, there’s a better way out for both of you. Just say the phrase, "I see where you're coming from."

To come up with this gem, reseracher's asked real couples to discuss hot-button issues in a lab setting. Regardless of what they were bickering about (or who won), people who felt that their partner understood their point of view actually felt happier with their relationship overall, the study reported.

Luckily, there are a few specific phrases you can add to your arsenal to reap the bonding benefits. Saying something like, “I can see where you’re coming from,” or, “I get that,” communicates to your partner that even if you don’t agree, you don’t think they’re crazy.

I see where you are coming from, is the best phrase to use to resolve an argument because it does two things: It demonstrates you are listening to the other person and it validates their perspective.

In other words, it neutralizes the blame game and lets your partner know you're actually listening to what they're saying (and not just brainstorming witty rebuttals). Most of the time it is holding on too tight to our perspective of things that keeps us in tension with another, If we are open to another's perspective then it becomes a discussion, not an argument.

Fasting, Prayer, Obedience and Addiction

Fasting, Prayer, Obedience and Addiction

Today is fast Sunday in the Church. The Church has designated for all of us to abstain from good and drink for a period of 24 hours.

I just realized why we are abstaining from all food and drinks when we fast.

John 6:35 Jesus declared, I am the bread (food) of life, he who comes to me will never be hungry and he who believes in me will never go thirsty. In Deuteronomy 8:3 Man does not live on bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. In Isaiah 55:7 we read why spend your money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy. Listen, listen to me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. In Matthew 4:4 it reads Man does not live on bread alone, but in every word that comes from the mouth of God. In the Lord’s Prayer Matthew 6:9-13 verse 11 we pray, give us this day our daily bread.

The Lords last supper

I Corinthians 11:23-26 reads this way. For I received from the Lord what I passed on to you. The Lord Jesus on the night he was betrayed took bread and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said “This is my body which is for you do this in remembrance of me. In the same way after supper he took the cup saying, this is the cup of the new covenant, in my blood do this whenever you drink it. In remembrance of me.”

For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup you proclaim to lords death until he comes.

Jesus has declared to us in John 6:35 that he is the bread of life and he who comes to him will never be hungry and never go thirsty.

When we fast we are giving up, abstaining, both food and drink which man needs to sustain himself.

What does it mean to…?

Abstain – to refrain from something voluntarily.

Abstinence – denial of the appetites.

Sustain – to hold up support, to keep up, maintain. To supply with nourishment. To withstand, endure. To support the spirits, courage or resolution of.

Sustenance – something that nourishes food. Something that sustains strengthens or supports.

We are asked to abstain from both food and drink for 24 hours.

However we see from the scriptures that Jesus Christ will sustain us, he will support and maintain us. He will be our nourishment. We can find nourishment in his word.

John 1:1 we see that in the beginning was the word (Jesus) and the word was with God and the word was God. In John 1:14 the word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.

The word is Jesus, when we fast we are to feast on his word.

Feast – to eat healthy or with pleasure. To provide with pleasure, delight.

Instead of eating food made my man, we are called to eat the bread of life or Jesus and since we know Jesus is the word, we can feast on word of the bible, or continually be in prayer.

Fast – to eat sparingly or abstain from all certain foods.

What do the scriptures tell us about fasting?

Deuteronomy 13:4 – It is the Lord you God you must follow and him you must revere. keep his commandments and obey him, serve him and hold fast to him.

Fast in this context is;

Fast – quickly, rapidly, and swiftly. Securely fixed or fastened. Tightly shut or secure. Constant and loyal.

I find the use of the word fast here very interesting, it does not indicate we should hold slowly to the Lord which is the opposite of fast; we are to come quickly to the Lord, keep his commandments, obey him and serve him.

Heavenly Father has requested – commanded us to fast and pray so that we may learn to develop faith in his son Jesus Christ and obedience to his commands.

His son Jesus Christ is all the bread and water we need to sustain us.

We are all under the false impression that we need food and water to sustain is each and every day.

Matthew 4:1-11 – verse two says he (Jesus) fasted forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The Lord knows our need for food and drink.

Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness

4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ² After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. ³ The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

⁴ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

⁵ Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ⁶ “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”

⁷ Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”

⁸ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ⁹ “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

¹⁰ Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”

¹¹ Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

John 6:27 – Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the son of man will give you.

We are not called to fast as Jesus did we are to fast as a witness to our faith in Jesus Christ that we believe in him as the bread of life, that we have faith that through his word he will sustain us and because of his word we follow him in obedience.

Matthew 6:16-18 – he calls us to not be obvious to men that we are fasting but only to our father who is unseen, and your father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

In other words, when we fast let our fasting is between our self and the Lord.

We are not fasting to show others how faithful we are, to receive their praise or to have others think more highly of us.

We are called to fast and to not let anyone know we are fasting so that our fast is done for the Lord and not for men.

Fasting is not for the purpose of dieting.

Diet – did you ever notice the word die is in the word diet?

Diet – food or drink usually or habitually consumed; a regulated selection of food. Something taken or provided regularly. To eat or cause to eat according to a prescribe regiment.

Diet then is food or drink that is habitually consumed.

Habit – an often involuntary pattern of behavior acquired be frequent repetition. Usual practice or manner. An addiction.

Habitual – practiced by or acting or according to habit. Persisting in an ingrained habit.

When we look at the words diet, habit and habitual it is all the more reason we should regularly fast.

Who does the Lord want us to follow, food or him?

If food becomes a habit and we are not able to have control over our intake of it we are serving our bodies more than we are serving the Lord.

If we can’t abstain for one day without food or drink what does that tell us?

That we rely more on the bread of man than the bread of life.

Another test of our faith therefore is to see if we are reliant and obedient to God or our habits. As we see in the definition of habit that it can be considered an addiction.

Addiction – Addict – to surrender oneself habitually or compulsively to something as in caffeine or alcohol. One who is addicted especially to narcotics.

Surrender – to give up control or possession of to another on demand or under compulsion, to give one self over to an emotion, yield.

Compulsive – the act or compelling or state of being compelled, an irresistible impulse to act irrationally.

Compel – to constrain, force.

Irresistible – impossible to resist, highly appealing.

Look at all these words that define a characteristic within the human condition, addiction, surrender, compulsive, irresistible all define man as out of control, lacking will power, unable to regulate ones behavior, actions, thoughts or words.

Do you think Heavenly Father wants us to be addicted to food?

Do you think he wants us to fast as a form of dieting?

Remember he knows the intentions of your heart, if you fast as a form of dieting the purpose or intent if your fast is not acceptable to the Lord.

It may be fine and acceptable to you but not to the Lord fasting for one day, two days even three days when done as a diet accomplishes nothing in the long term.

It takes far longer than one, two or three days to break a habit or addiction.

Heavenly Father does not want us to be addicted to food or drink; he will provide us what we need.

Corinthians 8:8 – we see that food does not bring us any nearer to God. We are no worse if we do not eat and no better if we do.

Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Or in this case, you can’t serve the Lord and be a servant to an addiction.

Luke 16:13 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.  
Also, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Mark 3:25 If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.

In Luke 11:17 Jesus knew their thoughts, and said to them any kingdom divided against itself will be ruin, and a house divided against itself will fall.

I think it is very clear from these scripture passages that we cannot have two masters – our Lord and our habit and that if we believe we can we will fall or be defeated.

Another purpose of fasting is s test of faith against addiction.

The Lord knows the strength of our faith but do we?

By fasting we become acutely aware of our addictions whether they be; food, drink, caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, medications, vitamins etc.

We are called to abstain from everything as a test of faith, obedience and endurance.

Our bodies will tell us throughout the day if we are habitually putting into it substances which are habit forming.

Our bodies will let us know if it is not receiving something that we habitually put into it.

In most cases this awareness or knowledge of deficit or lack of comes with the price of pain, in other words we get sick.

Our body’s rebel against us and demand that we continue to indulge in our habit or it will become violent and angry against us.

When our bodies rebel, our minds cannot concentrate or focus on anything else but the pain, satisfying or fixing the painful situation. We are then focusing or directing our attention away from the Lord and on to our self.

How can we serve others with love, warmth and kindness when all we can think about is our own pain and suffering?

Fasting is a wake-up call to each and every one of us to see if we can abstain from everything in order to see if any substance we ingest into our bodies has become habit forming, an addiction.

Not only is food and drink for many of us a physical requisite, it is an emotional requisite as well.

Requisite – needed, necessary. A necessity.

Necessity – the quality or state of being.

Necessary – absolutely required, indispensable. Needing to bring about a certain effect or result.

Required – to insist upon, demand, to oblige or compel.

Matthew 16:41 we see that the spirit is willing but the body is week.

Jesus knows our bodies are weak, he asks us to have faith in him.

2 Corinthians 5:7 – We live by faith and not by sight. In 2 Corinthians 12:10 he promises for where you are weak, he will make you strong.

All we have to do to break the chains of addiction as it relates to fasting is prayer to our Lord for strength against the addiction.

Matthew 7:7, 8 – Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. And everyone who asks receives, and he that seeketh findeth and to him that knocks it shall be open

Matthew 21:22 – And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

If we are unable or unwilling to fast because of an addiction we can change that by faith, prayer and obedience.

I didn’t find anywhere in the scriptures that spoke on the subject of fasting and prayer however we are called in …

Philippians 4:6 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your request to God. In 1 Thessalonians 5:17 – We are called to be joyful always and pray continually.

So even though there is no direct link in the bible to prayer and fasting we know as it is spoken in Philippians to not be anxious, pray about everything and give thanks as we present our request.

Nowhere in the scriptures are commanded to fast, it simply states that fasting was a form of worship and obedience, a true test of faith.

Obedience – obeying or willing to obey a command.

Obey – to carry our instructions of, to comply with (a command).

Command – to give orders to, to rule over. To dominate by position, overlook.

Commandment – an order, command, the Lord demands that we obey his commands and commandments.

Before I get into obedience I would like to look up the word Die, the three main letters in diet – to stop living, expire. To lose vitality or force, subside. To cease existing especially by degrees, fade. To cease operation – stop.

When we diet we eat a regulated selection of foods. We eat according to a prescribed regiment. The three main letters of diet are die and that means to stop living, to lose vitality, to cease existing, to cease operation or stop what we are currently doing.

When we go on a diet a part of us is destined to die, it has to we are altering or reshaping our methodology as it relates to our consumption of food and drink.

When we alter, change or regulate our eating patter (I didn’t say habits) a part of our mind and body detect a lack of or need for the substance we use to consume, we are under the false assumption or belief that in order to continue in our present pattern of life we must consume according to the pattern we have set or laid out.

The difficulty with this is that for most of us we consume too much or too little, we consume the wrong foods improperly combining them to defeat their purpose.

A good book to read on nutrition is “Fit for Life”.

It explains how to regulate your consumption and how to combine your foods so as to maximize their nutritional value to your mind and body. If we are going to change our eating pattern we need the strength of the Lord behind us.

He promises in 2 Corinthians 12:10 – For where you are weak, he will make you strong.

Instead of saying you are placing yourself on a diet, or that you are going to diet or that you are on a diet, say that you are choosing to walk in obedience to the Lord, you have faith in the Lord, you are choosing Jesus over food; you are going to let Jesus control your life and not food. You are choosing to live in faith of the Lord not in faith of food.

Jesus said he is the bread of life and all that follow him will be saved.

When you choose to change your eating habits call on Jesus to be your strength, you can’t do it alone, your spirit may be willing but your flesh is weak. You want to change the way you eat, change the way you love and serve the Lord or begin by loving and serving the Lord.

There is no better way to shed a few pounds than to be in the service of others.

Food may serve your needs; however, we are not here to fulfill our needs but to do the work of the Lord.

You are not a slave to food, our Lord Jesus died on the cross to save us all from sin.

By grace we are saved, by grace we will stand, an eye single to the glory of God.

So when you decide you are going to change your eating pattern, you are no longer alone, you are no longer going to die because Jesus is the bread of life.

John 6:35 he said that Jesus is the bread of life and he who comes to him will never be hungry and never go thirsty.

Life – living organisms as a whole, our ability to grow, carry on metabolism, respond to stimuli and reproduce.

What is the opposite of death or to die – life!

Jesus brings life to each and every one of us, we do not die when we are choosing to alter our eating pattern; we are simply choosing to live a life in Christ.

Matthew 6:25 we read – Do not worry about what you are going to eat or drink, or about your body or what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes. Jesus came to give us life so that those who lose their life for the sake of Jesus will find it. Matthew 15:25. If we really want to change our eating patterns we must deny himself and take up the cross and follow Jesus. Matthew 16:24. in John 14:6 – Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the father except through me.

Satan would have us believe we need to go on a diet in order to shed those extra pounds.

Jesus would have us believe we need to pick up our cross daily and follow him, if we do this he promises to make our weaknesses strong.

He is the bread of life.

Faith in Mark 9:23 – Jesus said everything is possible for him who believes.

You say you can’t lose weight, it is medical impossible, you are predisposed to obesity or being overweight., remember the story of when Jesus walked on water and called Peter out to join him telling him he could walk in water, what did Peter do?

Matthew 14:79 – Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind he was afraid and beginning to sink cried out, Lord save me. Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “Ye of little faith” he said “Why do you doubt” Don’t you know that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to the mountain, move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20, 21 – All things are possible through Jesus.

It is because of our unbelief and lack of faith that we are unable to move mountains, when we tell our self I can’t, it is too hard or I don’t want to or I won’t what we are really saying is I lack faith in Jesus Christ to strengthen and support me to see me through whatever difficulty I may be experiencing.

Oh ye of little faith, who do you doubt Jesus?

Have you ever truly given yourself 150% over to Jesus?

Are you following his word, praying unceasingly, living a life of absolute obedience to his commands? If you have done this your prayers will be answered.

He has asked us to have “patient endurance” 2 Corinthians 1:6. He will hear our prayer he will never forsake us, he will answer our prayers according to his will, work and purpose for us.

You see he knows us better than we know our self, what we believe we need, want and desire may be different than what God knows we need.
When we are walking with the Lord the Holy Spirit will guide us on what to pray for.
Romans 8:24-27 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

We need to have patient endurance when it comes to answers to prayers.

Heavenly Father will answer our prayers because he searches our hearts and knows what we need.

He then uses the Holy Spirit to guide us in our prayers to him, our prayers to him come from him originally.

Of course he will answer prayers that he manifested through the spirit unto us, all in accordance with his will for us.

When we pray according to our perceived needs, wants and desires the will the Lord may or may not hear our prayers and answer them. He will answer prayers he made known to us through the Holy Spirit.

How do we know if our prayers originate from the Holy Spirit?

I would ask you, are you loving and serving the Lord with all your heart and soul, are you loving your neighbor as yourself, are you living in obedience to his commands and commandments, have you chosen to follow Jesus and made him the bread of your life, are you reading his word, studying it and putting it into action, are you praying continuously throughout your day, are you faithful and do your deeds follow your faith?

If the answer to this is an overwhelming yes then rest assured our Heavenly Father is making his will for you known to you by the counsel of the Holy Spirit and in your prayers.

You will be guided in thought and word or that which you should pray about.

If the answer is no, then you are probably praying to our Lord according to your perceived need, wants and desires.

If the answer is I don’t know or I am not sure then I would suggest you get on your knees and pray for truth, knowledge, wisdom and understanding, our Heavenly Father answers the prayers of those who show obedience to him.

Another work of the Lord

Ephesians 4:12 – To prepare Gods people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and knowledge if the son of God and become mature attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Galatians 1:10 – If I were still try to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. When we serve man, we are not serving Christ and when we serve Christ we are in the service of man. Galatians 6:6 – God does not judge by external appearances.

Live by the spirit, fruits of the spirit

Galatians 5:16-26

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. ¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

¹⁹ The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

 Galatians 6:4, 5 – Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to someone else, for each of us should carry our own lead.

Stop comparing each other, one against another.

The Couple Bubble - How you can keep each other safe and secure

Who among us doesn’t want to feel loved? Finally to be able to be ourselves just as we are, to feel cherished, cared for, and protected – this being the pursuit of humans since the beginning of recorded time. We are social animals. We depend on other people. We need each other.

When we enter into a relationship we want to matter to our partner, to be visible and important. We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. We want to know our relationship is regarded as important by our partner and will not be relegated to second or third place because of a competing person, task, or thing.

The couple bubble is a term used to describe the mutually constructed membrane that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements. A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly GUARANTEES such things as:

I will never leave you

I will never frighten you purposely

When in distress, I will relieve you, even if I’m the one who is causing the distress

Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, your performance, your appearance, what other people think or want, or any other competing value

You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second, third or fourth person I tell

The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partner’s well-being, self-esteem and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you.  You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, “We come first”. In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another.

Partners entering into a couple bubble agreement have to buy into it and own it and fully appreciate it. They have to be ALL the way. When couples don’t honor the couple bubble and complain they aren’t being well cared for, often the reason is that they get exactly what they paid for. Pay for part of something and you get part of something. 

The couple bubble is a pact between partners in which the quid pro quo is to burden one another with the tasks of devotion and caring for the other’s safety, security, and well-being before anything else. The mutual burden determines the degree of shared gratitude and valuation you both can experience. If you think about it, when the going gets tough, the couple bubble is all you can really count on to hold your relationship together.

This doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes along the way or accidentally hurt each. It doesn’t mean you can never make a decision that puts yourself before the relationship, nor that you absolutely never should. These things will happen, no matter what. However, it does mean you will hold each other to your fundamental agreement “We come first”.

Together, you and your partner can create and maintain your bubble. You agree to do things for one another that no other person would be willing to do, at least not without getting paid.  In fact and listen up, this is important, anyone who offers with no strings attached to do what partners must do for each other most definitely wants something in return (eg. Sex, money, commitment). If you’re in a committed relationship and someone else seems willing to fill in for your partner, watch out. As the saying goes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

So the bubble is something you work on together. But also keep in mind that you are responsible for your end of the deal. You keep it up and because you believe in the principle, not merely because your partner is or isn’t willing to do the same.  It works only when both partners operate on a principled level and not on the level, you go first. 

Think of (visualize) the couple bubble like a three legged stool.  Each of you represent two legs of the stool, the third leg is the relationship.  Together the two of you create the third leg which is defined as your relationship.  

Here are some helpful reminders: 

Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. You job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.

Don’t pop the bubble. Because the couple bubble has as its foundation a fundamental, implicit, and absolute sense of safety and security, neither of you should have to worry that the bubble is going to pop. Acting in an ambivalent manner, or taking a stance that is partly in and partly out of the relationship, undermines the security you have created.  If you allow this to persist, one or both of you will be forced into an auditioning position and you will lose all the benefits of the bubble you have so carefully created.

Make sure the bubble is mutually maintained and honored. 

Plan to use your couple bubble. It provides a safe placed in which you and your partner can always ask each other for help, rely on one another, and share your vulnerabilities. It is your primary means of support and protection.