The impact of sarcasm in a relationship

Sarcasm: The verbal enemy at the gate

The word sarcasm doesn't sound too pleasant. It seems to leave a bad taste in your mouth when you say it, but even more so when you use it. The Greek form of this word, sarkasmos, means "to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer." And Webster's dictionary defines sarcasm as "a sharp utterance designed to cut or give pain." Wow, all of that in one small word. Yet, from experience, we know that the emotional impact of sarcasm is far from small.

Divide and Conquer

Sarcasm is one of the most harmful verbal tactics used against a spouse. It destroys communication and unity in marriage. One of the oldest military strategies is to divide and conquer. Our enemy, Satan, still uses that tactic to destroy families. Satan first seeks to separate you and your spouse emotionally. Then he moves in and seeks to separate you and your spouse physically. When this occurs, he is in the perfect position to conquer your marriage. In the midst of conflict, the enemy begins outside the gate of your marriage, cunningly tempting you and your spouse to wage war through verbal attacks. And sarcasm often is Satan's weapon of choice.
We've all used comments like, "Whatever" or "Oh yeah, I forgot. You're perfect." And the list goes on. The following acrostic will help you understand why sarcastic remarks are so damaging to marriages. As you read, prayerfully consider how sarcasm shows up in your relationship with your spouse.

Stings.

Sarcasm is much like a bee sting. When a bee stings, the direct hit of poison causes immediate pain and inflammation. Sarcasm does the same thing.
Sometimes, we use sarcasm to voice harsh words we otherwise would not say, often intentionally hurting others. Once the pain is inflicted, however, we retreat, saying, "Oh, I was just kidding." But the sting of our words hurts so much that those we have injured withdraw. Our words don't feel like jokes at all.
Jesus' words should be a warning to those of us who are tempted to use sarcasm as a weapon: "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken" (Matthew 12:36).

Aggravates.

Do you want to make an already bad situation even worse? Then use sarcasm. Sarcasm will aggravate rather than improve any situation. Just as a child continues to scratch an insect bite, further irritating the area and causing infection, the use of sarcasm can take a small disagreement and turn it into a verbal war with emotional casualties.
In Paul's letter to Titus, he said we are to live "self-controlled, upright and godly lives" (2:12). Sarcasm is not evidence of a self-controlled or godly life.

Retaliates.

Often the motivation for sarcasm is retaliation: "You hurt me, so I'll hurt you." When this occurs, the conflict usually escalates to a game of verbal one-upmanship. The enemy wants you to recall every single argument or unkind word your spouse has ever spoken. In response, your words often drip with sarcasm as you exhume and relive past hurts and pains again and again.
In Luke 6:37, Jesus admonished His followers to "forgive, and you will be forgiven." Forgiveness means letting go of past hurts rather than holding on to them and attacking your spouse with reminders of them.

Controls.

Sarcasm can be used to control a conversation. The more sarcastic a person becomes, the more control he or she has over the conversation. The other party will often yield territory or end the conversation just to escape the verbal darts.
Jesus said that "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34). What are your words saying about your heart?

Alienates.

Sarcasm alienates and often humiliates the other person. Some people seem to think if they can get the first verbal shot in during a disagreement, their spouses will retreat. In the process of trying to protect themselves with sarcasm, they damage their partners in ways that are often irreparable.
James 1:19 reminds believers that we should be "quick to listen" and "slow to speak." Instead of trying to get the first verbal shot in, listen to your spouse and really seek to understand his or her point of view.

Shames.

Sarcastic remarks usually seem like no big deal to the person who makes them. But to the recipient, those words make lasting impressions that scar to the very core of the heart.
Many times, sarcasm shames a person, causing her to feel belittled and unworthy. When shame takes root in the heart, it can cause disastrous behavior, because the person now feels worthless and seeks desperately to find anything that will make her feel otherwise. Shaming a spouse is a serious offense with serious consequences. Jesus said, "By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned" (Matthew 12:37).

Manipulates.

Often, self-centeredness motivates a person to use sarcasm. A person seeking to have his own needs for approval, affirmation, and value met by a spouse may use sarcasm to convey that those needs are not being met to his satisfaction. In contrast, Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
It is foolish to think sarcasm is going to draw your spouse to you. Sarcasm destroys intimacy, but putting your spouse's needs first is a sure way to build intimacy.

Lay It Down

If we know the enemy uses sarcasm to tear down marriages, then what can we do about it? We need to lay down the weapons of our enemy and pick up the weapon God has given us through His Word. Colossians 3:12-17 provides the perfect answer:
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
The apostle Paul made it very clear that we are to put on the heart of Christ. This involves a daily dying to self - putting off self to make room for putting on Christ. He calls us to forgive one another. If you have used sarcasm in your relationship, you need to ask your partner's forgiveness. Then, seek the love of Christ as your sole motivation and focus, so you and your spouse can live in perfect unity. The love of Christ is the glue that bonds Christians together perfectly. And the peace of God is what should control us.
Are your words controlled by a desire to seek peace and unity, or are they driven by your fleshly desire to sting, aggravate, retaliate, control, alienate, shame, and manipulate through sarcasm?
The enemy is camping out at the gate of your marriage. He is lurking about, seeking to find that one open crevice where he can enter. If he has been entering in and camping out in your home through the use of sarcasm, it is time to cast this verbal enemy out and lock the gate behind him. Die to yourself; fill your heart and mind with the words of Christ; and allow His love, peace, and compassion to be the source of every word that proceeds from your mouth.