I am not good enough, I don't measure up, I don’t deserve it, and I am not worth it

I am not good enough, I don't measure up, I don’t deserve it, and I am not worth it.

 

How many times do we tell ourselves I am not good enough! Good enough for what? To be loved, accepted, recognized, appreciated, acknowledged, understood, approved, regarded, to go to heaven. 

 You’re not good enough, you don’t measure up. Do people really say these things or do they insinuate them by comparison.  

Insinuate – to introduce (e.g. suspicion) slyly. To introduce oneself by sly or ingenious means. To hint.  

Does a parent go around telling their children that they are worthless, unlovable, unworthy of existence? Yes they do, their words cut to the heart of a child like a torpedo hitting its target. Within the heart of a child, they are blown to pieces. This person who is supposed to love, respect, and support them is destroying them and they have no means of defending themselves from this verbal missile attack on their character. All too often these verbal attacks like torpedoes are designed to produce a reaction within the recipient or target. Our parents mean well when they say “when I was your age” or tell stories of their childhood which clearly demonstrate how much more difficult it was for them than it is for you now. It may be more subtle than that, they may not recognize or appreciate the effort you put into a project or event. They may give you a cursory compliment followed by the phrase “next time” all in an effort to create confidence that you can do better next time.  

These subtle forms of comparison often destroy a young child and lead them into believing they are 

Never good enough,  

They will never measure, 

They never deserve to be loved,  

They never can stop striving for perfection, 

They never can be appreciated for the effort they put into something,  

That they always could achieve more, 

Always do more, 

Always be more. 

No grade in school is ever enough, no amount of success in sports is ever enough, no amount of helping around the house is good enough, and no amount of dedication or devotion to the church is good enough.  

You get the idea, we are drummed into our fragile emotional state as a young child that our parents had it harder, they did it better with less means, they were smarter, less understood and appreciated, they are working hard all for our benefit, because their parents did not appreciate and recognize them, they are going to do the same to their children.  

What does that do for the child? 

The child grows up believing they are unworthy of love, affection, romance, success and countless other virtues because they have been taught at a tender age that they will never measure up to their parents or their parents expectations.  

Parents destroy a child’s self-worth, image, esteem for life by their constant picking, comparing, needling, their relentless attempt to get their child to conform, achieve more, be like them.  

Well we are not our parents, we will never be our parents, as adults we need to break out of their chains that bind us. 

We are not inferior, worthless, undeserving, unlovable, fragile, and insecure.  

We don't need to compromise who we are in order to receive the benefits of love, acceptance, romance, security. 

We are all deserving of love from one another.  

We are all deserving of God’s love for us. God loves each and every one of us. A child whose self-worth, esteem, acceptance, love has not been built up grows up with incredible insecurity. There is no foundation to fall back in times of fear, uncertainty and doubt. It is very important to instill in children at a young age that our God Lord loves them, that we love them, and that we accept them, the unique person that they are. We all have our differences from one another that do not make us any more or less likeable or lovable. We are a gift from God, Gods chosen people, loved by our father despite our imperfections and infirmities. We have great worth in his eyes. If we continue to believe in the name of our Lord Jesus, obey his commandments, and pray continuously, we will find the peace, happiness and joy.

 I desire to be like the wise man as told in the story of Matthew 7:24-29.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

²⁸ When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, ²⁹ because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.”

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down and the streams rose and the winds blew and beat against the house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. Psalms 18:2 – I love you my Lord my strength. The Lord is my rock my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in which I take refuge. He is my shield and my horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord who is worthy of praise and I am saved from my enemies. Matthew 16:18 – Jesus says and I tell you that are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. Does a wise man build his house upon the rock, remember we are that house; we are a holy temple of the Lord. 1 Corinthians 3:16 – Don’t you know that you yourself are Gods holy temple and that Gods spirit lives within you.

We are the temple of the Lord, a wise man will build his house upon the rock, is Peter that rock? No! Is God that rock? Yes. We are to build our house upon the foundation of the Lord, not Peter. 

Remember we are called to love our neighbor as our self. We are called to live in peace, in harmony, to avoid contention, be slow to anger, be filled with compassion and sympathy, do what is good, forgive others, serve others without expectation, be joyful in everything, pray continuously, love the truth, honor and obey our parents, have faith, hope, charity, keep no records of wrongs, have patient endurance, love our neighbors as ourselves.  

Insecurity – not adequately protected or guarded, unsafe. Unstable. Not self-confident. 

Security – freedom from risk or danger, safety. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, fear; confidence.  

Confidence – reliance on trust. A trusting relationship. A feeling of self-assurance. In the 23^rd Psalm verse 4 – Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me, your rod and your staff comfort me. Philippians 1:6 – Being confident of this, that he who begun a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. 

I am confident and have full faith in my salvation. I trust the Lord will see me through any time of fear, uncertainty and doubt. I love the Lord with all of my heart and soul, in him I shall never hunger or thirst. I will not let Satan have a foothold, everything good comes from God, and everything evil comes from Satan. I will not dwell on the past, I will live for the Lord today, and I will serve his children today. Even though I walk through the valley of fear, uncertainty and doubt I will trust in the Lord to complete his good work in me until the day he comes again on a cloud from heaven. I love you my Lord, I thank you for this day and I sing praises to your name. Bless me as I live this day, protect me from all evil and spiritual harm. May your will be done in my life Heavenly Father, not mine and may you bless me with patience and endurance.

 

Amen.

 

I feel rejected by my children, written from a divorced Father's point of view.

Rejected by my children

Written from a divorced Fathers point of view.

Do you ever feel as though you are being rejected by your children? I do and it affects many aspects of my life.

I was divorced 2 ½ years ago and my children still left in the nest are 14 and 16.  My ex-wife moved away from the neighborhood we were living in a year ago to a part of the State that was approximately 1 hour diving distance away.  I begged and pleaded with her to not move the children away, much to my dismay, my voice was not heard. 

I offered her plenty of reasons why it would be in the best interest of the children and my relationship with them that she and her new husband stay in the area so it would not be so difficult for me to see my children.

You see, my ex-wife refuses to drive the children to see me. So if I want to see my children, it is up to me to drive to see them and or pick them up to come and visit with me.  Even though the divorce decree indicates she needs to drive one way, she refuses to drive at all.

My weekly mid-week visitations since she moved do not occur at all, basically because my children suggest to me that they are to busy to see me and also because it would take me 2 hours round trip to drive and visit them which I would gladly do if they would allow me the time to just come up and see them, if even for a few minutes.

I am suppose to have my children with me every other weekend, but since the divorce, my ex-wife refuses to participate in making those weekends happen and suggest that it is up to the children if they want to come and see me.

For the record, my ex-wife does not want to communicate with me and tells me that all visitation communication is up to the children. 

Correct me if I am wrong, but are my ex-wife and I the adults in the room?

My two children are extremely active teenagers and routinely tell me they have no time for me on the weekends.

To make matters worse, my daughters are very active in their church which makes seeing them very difficult on Sundays. 

I take my responsibility of being a Father very seriously and want with all my heart to spend time with my children.

I also understand that my children are teenagers and choose to spend time with their friends and my ex-wife rather than spending time with me.

That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt and that I feel rejected by my children, I do.

This year, my children have not spent an entire weekend with me.

In fact, I don’t think they have slept in my home more than a couple of times.

If you were to ask my ex-wife why the children are not spending time with me, she would say it is because it is because I don’t want to see them, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I love my children and this divorce is costing me the relationship I could have had with my children.  I knew this and that is why I did not want to get divorced. I knew that if I got divorced, my relationship with my children would suffer and it has.

It doesn’t help that my ex-wife moved an hour away and that my children are active teenagers.

What’s a man to do?  I can’t force my children to see me.  I suggest all the time to them that I want to be in their life.  I make an effort all the time to come to their activities, but yet, I don’t know of half the activities that they participate in. 

I miss my daughters and love them with all my heart.  I feel so rejected by them.

When your own children who should love you unconditionally reject you, it is hard for me to believe anyone could actually love and accept me.

My friends tell me to be patient, that they are active teenagers and when they get older they will be back.  I don’t want to miss these years with them. I miss my children.

Everyone has struggles in life, how we deal with them makes all the difference. 

I accept the fact that my children don’t want to spend time with me right now.  I accept that fact that their friends are more important to them than I am right now.  I accept the fact that my ex-wife has made it more difficult by moving away for me to see my children as frequently as I once did.  I just don’t like the facts.

Feeling rejected by your children is a feeling I know I own. I know my children are not purposely rejecting me.  I know my children don’t set out to reject me.  I know my children love me. I know my children when we are together love the time we spend together. For me, the time we do spend together is not enough and I am missing out on being a Father to my two children. Time I will never get back. I am missing them growing up and for that I am extremely sad.

I don’t blame my children.  I remember my teenage years, I didn’t spend a great deal of time with my parents, but then again, my parents were not divorced and I saw them every day. I don’t get to see my children every day.  I don’t get to experience breakfast or dinner with them, I don’t get to sit with them before they go to bed and ask them about their day and let them know I love them. I don’t get the opportunity to share their life and my life with them face to face and read the expressions on their face.

I miss my children, I love my children, I pray for my children.

I let them know all the time how important they are to me, until I see them again, that is all I can do.