Divorced Fathers grieve the loss of
their child or children.
From a divorced Father’s perspective.
Divorced
Fathers can grieve the loss of the daily connection they had with their
children if the children’s primary custody is awarded to the Mother in the
divorce. I don’t think Mothers who are
awarded primary custody fully understand or appreciate that there are nurturing,
loving Father’s who grieve the loss of their children. I am one of those Father’s.
I was as integral
a part of the raising of the children, if not more involved in attending to the
daily affairs of the children.
It was me
who woke the children in the morning, who made them breakfast, made their sack
lunches, drove them to school, picked them up from school, shuttled them around
to their activities, coached their sports teams, helped them with their homework,
put them to bed each night, read them stories or told them stories before they went
to sleep.
My former
spouse was a stay at home Mother and occasionally helped me with the children
but it was I who was as equal a caretaker of the children.
The world that
I knew while I was married abruptly changed when my former spouse and I
divorced. No longer was I care taking
and attending to the needs of the children on a daily basis. My life prior to
the divorce revolved around taking care of the children, taking care of the
home, taking care of the needs of my former spouse, providing for my Family,
running errands, devoted to my church
and the community.
You ask me
how I had the time, I made time for what was most important to me and that was
attending to the needs of my Family.
I had some
early success in business and had children a little later in life which provided
me with some flexibility when it came committing time to my family and my
vocation.
I was and am
grateful that I had those years with my children, that I could serve the needs of
my children and my former spouse and that I was part of a family which for me
was the greatest gift in the world.
I grieve the
loss of being part of a family, of being involved in the day to day affairs of
my children, of seeing their smiling faces in the morning and seeing them off
to school. I miss preparing a snack for
them as I brought them home from school, of ferrying them off to their activities
and spending time with them helping them with their homework.
I miss
seeing my children and I miss being part of a family.
For this
Father the importance of my presence in the home was paramount to my happiness
in my marriage. I know the importance of
a Father in a home and I was willing to fight to keep my marriage healthy and happy
so that I could remain in the home even to the point of losing a piece of who I
was as a person. I may have compromised
way too much in my marriage but I did so because of my strong belief that I
needed to be there for my children.
(I will
publish as my next blog “Daddy I love you” which you may want to read where I
discuss the role and responsibility of a Father.)
Mothers you
know what type of Father your former spouse was to your children. If he was a dedicated, devoted, loving Father
to the children, know this, he is grieving the loss of the children and he may
not know how to show or articulate it, but he misses his children.
There are
plenty of men who grew up in intact families that wanted to start a family of
their own and had no notion that one day they would be divorced. The role model of a Mother and Father remaining
married throughout their life has now shattered with the divorce and for many
men they have a difficult or hard time understanding their role as a parent
when it comes to seeing their children live with their Mother.
This is
foreign territory for these men. They
did not experience this growing up and they may have difficulty adjusting to
seeing their children on a part time basis which may manifest itself in ways
that will confuse the Mother. Know this,
it is confusing for the Father as well.
Mother’s if
you are the primary caretaker and now the courts have awarded you custody and
the Father now has the right to see his children every other weekend, a total
of around 6 days a month, know this, he is hurting inside, he may not show it,
but I will guarantee you, the loss of seeing his children outweighs everything
else “if” he takes his role as a Father as his number one priority in life, as
I did.
My former spouse
does not get this. Since our divorce she
has decided it was up to the children to communicate with me regarding the
parenting schedule. She has refused to
communicate with me regarding my visitation with the children. She has also refused to drive the children to
see me so I am the only one driving the kids back and forth between our two homes,
which I gladly do. About a year ago my former spouse and her new husband moved
an hour away from where the two of us were living (we were living 6 blocks away
from each other in the same community).
I begged and pleaded with her not to move so far away, knowing that this
would hurt my relationship with our children. My pleas fell on deaf ears.
My children
are teenagers now and have very busy and active lives. I don’t see them as often as I like and I
miss them. My former spouse continues to refuse the drive the children to see
me and insist it is up to the children to determine if and when they will spend
time with me, which these days is not very often. She insists if I want to see
my children I should work it out with them. She takes absolutely no responsibility
in making sure the children adhere to the visitation schedule. She refuses to
participate in the parenting schedule leaving it all up to the children.
To make co-parenting
matters worse, my former spouse refuses to communicate with me via phone, text
or email and brought me back to court so that she may receive more child
support even though there has been no material change in my employment
situation. The child support was determined just over a year ago and since then
my former spouse has been attempting repeatedly to try and get more child
support.
I don’t
think she understands the importance of a loving Father in the life of a
child.
All I ever
wanted to be was a Dad, a Father my children could count on.
That was
taken away from me when I got divorced.
It is not the same Fathering a child from a distance. Calling and texting them, occasionally seeing
them or going to their activities and events is not the same as seeing them
every day.
Mom’s, there
are some Dads who love their children so much that they would do most anything
they could to spend TIME with them. If
your former spouse is one of these Father’s, please help him get the TIME he
needs to be around his children. Your
children are the ones who will benefit.
Children need both a Mother and a
Father, not just a Mother and not a Mother and a Step Father. A child has the right
to know their Father. A Father has a right to parent their children.
Lets all
just get along for the sake of the child.
God bless
you all. May he fill your life with
peace, joy and happiness
