4 words that may change your life forever

4 words that may change your life forever

We are the sum (total) of our thoughts, words and deeds (actions or behaviors). What we think, do and say affects who we are and who we are to become.

  

Negative thoughts produces negative results, same holds true for our words and deeds.  Positive thoughts may lead to positive outcomes, same for words and deeds.  

If the outcome of our life is not what we want, then it makes sense that something in our thoughts, words and deeds must change to affect that outcome.  In other words, if you desire change in your life, you are required to change how you think, act and speak. 

In our life we become addicted to thinking a certain way, acting a certain way and even speaking a certain way.  I use the term addicted because it is true.  We become addicted (form habits) in our thoughts, words and deeds.  Some of these addictions are producing results in our life which are not productive.  Some are producing results that negatively impact who we have become and our relationships with others.  Some are producing emotions that create insecurity, unhappiness, loneliness, sadness, depression, anger, frustration, pain, suffering and many other unhealthy or unwanted feelings.

What ails you?  

What thoughts cause you the most pain, fear or anxiety?  

What actions or behaviors negatively impact your life and stop you from living the life you truly want? What words do you use that cause conflict in your relationship with other people?

Whatever your situation, if you want to change, truly want to change, the following four words may help impact your life positively and help you change your life forever.

NO, NOT NOW, NEVER

Throughout the day, thoughts come to our mind which triggers actions or behaviors that impact us negatively.  Some of the time we give into triggered thoughts and act in a manner we later regret or which cause us harm.  Some of the thoughts we tell ourselves also negatively impact our self-worth and self-esteem and breed fear and insecurity within us.

What we tell ourselves is important!

What we think about ourselves, others and our life is important!

The words we choose to speak are important!

How we behave and interact with others is important!

When you want to act out and misbehave in a manner you do not want, simply tell yourself, no, not now, never.

That action initially came from a thought. Something triggered that thought.  Do you know what that trigger is?

It is important to identify the trigger that creates the thought that produces the action that you do not want.

When the trigger is identified, it is easier to change the thought and therefore the unwanted behavior.

Let me give you an example. 

Joe recognizes he has a problem with alcohol or at least thinks he may have a problem with alcohol.  Joe recognizes that when watches football that he likes to consume a few beers and occasionally a few turns into a few to many and sometimes Joe is not able to control himself and the amount of alcohol he consumes.  The trigger in this case is a football game, the behavior is drinking alcohol.  Joe has conditioned himself to believe that drinking beer while watching football is OK.  However, for Joe, this on occasion has caused him a few too many problems which he later regretted.  Next time Joe sat down in front of a TV to watch football and the urge to drink beer comes upon Joe, he could simply say, no, not now, never.  If the urge comes back, again he could say, no, not now, never and repeat as often as he needed.

The good thing about thoughts, triggers, urges are that they are momentary and fleeting and can be controlled by becoming consciously aware of them and correcting them or redirecting them to a thought that has the positive outcome you prefer.  (read that again)

Using the words, no, not now, never redirects your thinking and causes you to think a new thought as to the behavior or action you truly want or desire.

Let’s look at another example.

Ben has difficulty staying away from watching pornography and when he does watch porn he always masturbates.  This has gotten in his way of maintaining a healthy relationship with his wife.  Ben knows his addiction to pornography is unhealthy, but he does not know how to stop. One of Ben’s many triggers is seeing an attractive female, which for Ben seems to be everywhere.  His relationship with his wife is strained and difficult and one of Ben’s ways of overcoming the stress in his life is to masturbate to pornography.  A solution to Ben may be that when he finds the urge to plop himself in front of the computer, view pornography and masturbate is to say no, not now, never when the urge is upon him.  He can then remind himself as to why the behavior is unhealthy and unwanted.  If the urge continues, Ben should continue to say, no, not now, never and remove himself from the computer and the environment he finds himself in.

The words, no, not now, never can be used with any thought that comes to mind that causes you to behave in a manner which does not bring a positive outcome to your life. 

It will take practice. 

It might be helpful for you to purchase a notebook and on the outside of the notebook write the words, no, not now, never. Inside you can record the moments those triggers come into your head.  Identify the trigger, where were you, what were you doing, what time of day was it, what was going on in your life at that moment, what may have caused the trigger.  Write everything and anything that comes to mind that will help you identify the trigger.  This too will help you take your mind off the behavior you are trying to change.

When you find yourself overcoming a trigger, say to yourself, yes, right now, always. 

The process of changing your thoughts and behaviors happens over time and will take practice.  It took you some time to get into habit you find yourself in and it will take some time to get yourself out. 

These four words will help you shape your thoughts, help you redirect your thoughts and help you change your behavior.

Remember….

NO, NOT NOW, NEVER

Our thoughts are addictive, our behaviors become addictions and in order to change, you have to change the way you think.  This tool, these words will do just that.

The MOST powerful word in the English language is the word NO

The MOST powerful word in the English language is the word “NO”.

I am spending Thanksgiving with my daughter, her husband and their 20 month old baby girl.  When asking the little girl if she would like this or that, on numerous occasions I witness her turn her head side to side indicating she does not. On other occasions when asked, not only does she turn her head side to side, she also says no.  Still on other occasions, she turns her head away, for example, when I was attempted to give her a bite of fruit salad, she simply turned her head to the away so as to say, no, I don’t want that.

My granddaughter has no problem saying no.

She is not thinking of the consequence of her saying no, or I don’t want that or I don’t like that.  She is not thinking of what other people think of her when she says no.  She is not thinking of her future or her past; she is living in the moment. To her, no means no, no to what you are offering her, no to the question you are asking her, no to the opportunity you are presenting her, no means no, I don’t want it, don’t like it, don’t need it and quite honestly, I don’t care what you think.  I am thinking for myself and at this point in time and I chosen to say no.  Because she can’t talk, she doesn’t even have to give a reason or explanation as to why she is saying no, the word or head gesture is sufficient, NO.

As she grows, it may be more difficult to say no without explanation, without the fear of what other people may think or even what she may think of herself.  What if as she grows she cares deeply about what others think of her? What if as she grows from time to time she feels un-loved, not cared for, depressed or hurt and angry and turns to drugs or alcohol to deaden the pain of her frustration. What if at a young age she is shown pornography on a friend’s cell phone becomes intrigued by what she saw and becomes addicted to pornography.  What if her Father leaves her mother and the family before she turns 10 and in her teen years she is looking for any boy to give her reassurance that she is worthy of love and begins a sexually active life in her teen years.  What if while out one night with her friends they offer her drugs, drugs that could kill her if she overdosed and she is too weak or afraid to say no out of fear of what her friends might think of her.

Are you addicted to prescription drugs, drugs, alcohol, pornography, people pleasing, tobacco, or a self-destructive behavior that is not desirous to you? Do you find yourself repeating behaviors that you know do not benefit you and that you would like to stop? Are you aware of the triggers that draw you into that behavior? How do you feel about yourself after you have done that behavior? What do you tell yourself?  Do you praise yourself for a job well done or do you beat yourself up?

Would you like to STOP?

If the answer is yes, the solution may be as simple as telling yourself “No, not now, never or simply NO!”. At the moment the trigger speaks to you directly in your head to participate in a behavior you know is not beneficial and you know you would like to stop, simply tell yourself, no, not now, never.

When you want to take that next drink.

When you want to pop that next pill or ingest that next drug.

When you want to view porn and masturbate.

When you want to act out sexually.

When you want………, you can fill in the blank.

When the moment is upon you, just say NO or no, not now, never!

When some boy/man is enticing you to go further than you like sexually, just say NO and leave.

When you know consuming more alcohol will impair your judgment in any way or your ability to drive, just say no.

When there is a part of you that speaks to you and in any way that is not truthful, honest, loving, kind, thoughtful and is destructive in any way, just say no.

No, not now, never.  Repeat as many times as you need,  no not now, never. Repeat with me now; no, not now, never. No, not now, never, no not now, never.

It matters not what other people think of you, your value, self- worth and who you are is not on the line.  You are unique, one of a kind, amazing and there is no one else exactly like you on this planet and in fact there has never been anyone that ever lived that is exactly like you, no one, ever.

What you think of yourself is important and the good news is that you get to create the image of who you are by the way you think, again, not by what other people think of you.

You get to choose your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, emotions, actions, words, the outcome of your life is in your hands and no-one else’s.

As a young child, saying no, was easy, natural and we didn’t care at all what others thought of our saying no.  We liked what we liked, we did what we did, we behaved the way we wanted, we chose. As we grew, our family, community, schools, friends, help shape us into who we have become today.

Overtime and as we grow into adulthood,  saying the word NO may actually become difficult because we fear the consequence, we fear what others think, we fear the life we are living and we fear our future.

Sometimes it is easier to say yes in the moment and suffer the consequence afterwards.  But what is the cost of the consequence? What is the cost of saying yes in the moment versus saying no?

Who are YOU and who do YOU want to become?

Isn’t it time you do what you know is right for YOU without fear? Fear of what others think, fear out of what you think of yourself?

Fear is crippling you from becoming the person you want to become.  So, sometimes it is easier to say yes and suffer the consequence, but is it wiser, is that what you want?

Now is the time that you start say NO to the destructive, fear based behaviors that are holding you back from becoming the person you were meant to be.

When the trigger that drives you to behaviors you know are self-destructive and does not promote the person you want to become, simply say to yourself, No, not now, never.  No, not now, never.  Repeat as many times as you have to. 

Here is a little known secret that I would like to share with you.  Did you know that those self-destructive thoughts are fleeting and come and go very quickly.  If you can just get over that triggered thought in the moment, the self-destructive behavior may not follow.

It may not be as easy as it sounds initially, but I assure you, it gets easier over time and in time, the self-destructive behavior which is holding you back, causing you pain, frustration, anger, unhappiness will turn around.  In time you will become more self-confident, assured, strong, courageous and loving.  

Who do you prefer to be?

Saying, no, not now, never is an effective tool for overcoming the fleeting self-destructive triggers that plague you thoughts, words and behaviors.  When you overcome these moments of indiscretion, you are on your path to the life you know you want and deserve.