Introduction: Saying What Needs to
Be Said—Without Starting a War
Having a conversation with someone
who constantly tries to outdo you can feel daunting. You may fear coming off as
overly sensitive or, worse, starting a conflict. But the truth is, when someone
habitually hijacks your stories and redirects attention to themselves, it can
leave you feeling unseen, unvalued, and emotionally drained. And you’re not
alone in feeling this way.
The key to addressing a One Upsman
is not through shame or confrontation but with honesty and vulnerability. Done
right, your words can plant a seed of self-awareness that may lead to more
meaningful conversations in the future. Below is a crafted, practical
conversation you can use or adapt when you're ready to speak up.
A Sample Conversation with a One
Upsman
You: “Hey, can we talk for a minute? I want to share something
that’s been on my mind. It’s a little awkward, but I’m hoping we can just be
honest with each other.”
Them: “Sure, what’s up?”
You: “Lately, I’ve noticed something in our conversations—and
I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I know you probably don’t even
realize it. But I wanted to be open because I care about our relationship.
Often, when I’m talking or sharing something—especially something personal—you
jump in and share your own story. And most of the time, it feels like you’re
trying to one-up what I just said.”
Them: “What do you mean, one-up?”
You: “I mean… let’s say I tell a story about something I did or
went through, and then right away, you’ll share a version of that—but yours is
bigger, harder, longer, more dramatic, or more successful. It might not be
intentional, but over time, it’s made me feel like my experiences don’t matter
as much. I end up feeling like I have to compete just to be heard. And
honestly, it makes me want to stop sharing things altogether.”
Them: “Wow… I didn’t know I was doing that. I thought I was just
relating.”
You: “I totally understand that. And I don’t think you do it to
be dismissive or hurtful. But it kind of turns our conversations into a
competition. And that’s not what I’m looking for. Sometimes I just want to be
heard—not topped. Even if your story is similar or more intense, I’d appreciate
it if we could stay with my story for a little while before jumping into
yours.”
Them: “I didn’t realize it came across that way. I’ll try to be
more mindful.”
You: “Thanks. I really appreciate that. I want our conversations
to be two-way, where we both feel heard and respected. I know you have amazing
stories and experiences—and I want to hear them too—but I think it works best
when we both take turns giving each other space.”
Key Strategies for the Conversation:
- Be Calm and Private:
Choose a relaxed moment in a private setting. Avoid calling them out in
front of others.
- Use “I” Statements:
Focus on how you feel rather than accusing them of wrongdoing. This
keeps the tone non-defensive.
- Acknowledge Their Good Intentions: Many One Upsmen don’t realize what they’re doing. They
may think they’re contributing, not competing.
- Be Specific but Kind:
Give a concrete example of when it happened, but don’t make it a laundry
list of grievances.
- Suggest a Better Way Forward: Offer an alternative—ask for more listening time,
slower responses, or intentional sharing.
Conclusion: Conversations that Heal,
Not Hurt
Addressing a One Upsman isn’t about
tearing them down—it’s about building healthier conversations where everyone
feels valued. These individuals often don’t realize the emotional harm they
cause; they believe they’re sharing, not overshadowing. But with one honest,
gracious conversation, you can bring that awareness to light.
And here’s the bonus: By voicing how
their behavior impacts you, you give them permission to lower their guard.
You’re saying, “I want more with you, not less of you.” That’s the kind
of truth that transforms relationships.
If your words are met with
defensiveness, that’s okay. Change takes time. What matters is that you spoke
your truth with grace, courage, and compassion. And sometimes, that alone is
enough to spark a shift.
Because the goal isn’t to win the
conversation. The goal is to create a space where no one has to.
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