Introduction: The Hijacking of Human
Connection
We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in a circle of friends, swapping stories,
catching up, and enjoying the free flow of genuine conversation. Someone begins
to share a moment that was important to them—a recent accomplishment, a
hardship, or simply a funny anecdote. There’s an expectant pause; people are
engaged, listening, nodding. Then it happens. Just as the story reaches its
peak, someone interrupts with, “That reminds me of the time I...”
Suddenly, the spotlight shifts. The
original speaker is left holding a half-finished thought, and the room’s
attention is rerouted to a grander tale. The new story features a more extreme
scenario, a more profound insight, or a more intense struggle. The common
thread? It’s all about them. Again.
Enter the One Upsman—a person who
can’t seem to let anyone else have a moment without having to top it. Their
compulsion to dominate the conversational stage is not simply annoying; it’s
emotionally draining. Over time, people begin to pull back. They stop sharing.
The warmth of group conversation turns chilly. The once-safe space becomes a
stage for competition rather than connection.
This behavior, known as
one-upmanship, is the subtle or blatant art of outdoing someone else—not
necessarily to hurt them, but to elevate oneself. The One Upsman doesn’t view
conversation as mutual sharing but as a contest with a winner and a loser. The
term comes from the mid-20th century and originally described a strategic
effort to keep ahead of a peer in games, sports, or social interactions. But in
today’s emotionally charged, validation-hungry world, the One Upsman is
everywhere: in our offices, families, churches, and especially on social media,
where the need to be seen and applauded has reached epidemic levels.
Whether it's about climbing a taller
mountain, enduring a worse illness, knowing a more famous person, or suffering
a deeper betrayal, the One Upsman needs the story to circle back to them. And
not just any story—a bigger, more important, more emotional, or more dramatic
one. For them, it’s not enough to empathize. They must exceed.
The One Upsman can take many forms.
In the workplace, they might constantly talk about their achievements in team
meetings. At a family dinner, they hijack every story with their own exaggerated
version. In friendships, they undermine genuine connection with a need to
always have the last (and loudest) word. While their intention may not be to
alienate or belittle, the impact is often one of exclusion, competition, and
weariness.
But what drives someone to become
this way? And how does their behavior affect the people around them? Is there a
way to handle these individuals gently without escalating tension or appearing
combative? More importantly, how do we protect our space, preserve mutual respect,
and foster authentic connection in the presence of such conversational
hijacking?
This article aims to uncover the
psychological roots of the One Upsman, expose their subtle tactics, and offer
real strategies for reclaiming the joy of two-way conversation. Because
sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is simply, “Thanks for sharing
that.” And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is allow someone else’s
voice to be heard—without competing for the mic.
The Definition: One Upsman and
One-Upmanship
The term One Upsman refers to
an individual who consistently seeks to outshine or outdo others by emphasizing
their own superior experiences, possessions, or achievements. This person isn’t
content to listen—they must redirect every interaction back to themselves,
ensuring their story, their hardship, or their accomplishment always takes
center stage.
This is tied to a broader behavioral
concept known as one-upmanship, which Urban Dictionary humorously and
accurately defines as “the art of outdoing or staying one step ahead of a
friend or competitor in everyday life, often through casual bragging, veiled
insults, or self-congratulatory tales.”
At its worst, this behavior is
emotionally manipulative, often leaving others feeling invalidated, ignored, or
subtly diminished. Imagine telling someone, “I finally paid off my student
loans,” only to hear in response, “Oh, I paid mine off five years ago while
supporting three kids and working two jobs.” You’re left feeling deflated, as
if your joy or struggle doesn’t measure up to theirs.
The Psychology Behind the Behavior
One Upsmen doesn’t behave this way
without reason. Beneath their constant need to shift attention lies a cocktail
of psychological factors:
- Insecurity:
Many One Upsmen have a deep-seated fear of being ordinary or overlooked.
They crave admiration to mask feelings of inadequacy.
- Validation Addiction:
These individuals rely heavily on external praise to feel good about
themselves. Every story they tell is bait for compliments and applause.
- Control Issues:
Being the dominant voice in a conversation gives them a sense of control
and importance. It allows them to steer the emotional tone of a group.
- Social Conditioning:
Some people were raised in environments where attention equaled love or survival.
They may not even realize how competitive they’ve become in conversation.
Understanding these motivations can
foster compassion, but it also helps others recognize that they don’t have to
absorb the emotional fallout of someone else’s behavior.
Common Tactics of the One Upsman
Some of the methods used by One
Upsmen are obvious; others are subtle. Here are some frequently used tactics:
1.
The
Overshadow: Immediately following your story
with one that’s eerily similar but significantly more dramatic.
2.
The
Humblebrag: Complaints or observations that are
actually boasts in disguise. (“I’m so tired from flying to six countries in ten
days.”)
3.
The
Sympathy Swipe: Turning your tragedy into their
own, but worse. (“You had COVID for a week? I was on a ventilator for a
month!”)
4.
The
Professional Flex: Especially in workplace
settings—constantly steering the topic toward their résumé, credentials, or
connections.
5.
The
Conversational Snatch:
Interrupting mid-story to share something “more relevant” or “more helpful,”
essentially saying, “Your story is fine, but here’s mine.”
The Impact on Others
Spending time around a One Upsman is
like navigating a minefield. You want to connect, but you’re constantly
guarding your words, wondering if they’ll be hijacked.
- It discourages vulnerability. People don’t want to share deeply if it means being
overshadowed or emotionally trampled.
- It breaks trust.
Over time, others may avoid opening up altogether, knowing the One Upsman
will dominate the space.
- It creates emotional fatigue. Constantly navigating the conversation around them can
be draining, especially for more sensitive or introverted individuals.
- It alienates the One Upsman. Ironically, their behavior often leads to social
isolation as others seek more balanced relationships.
Coping Strategies: How to Handle a
One Upsman
It’s possible to manage your
relationship with a One Upsman without sacrificing your peace. Here’s how:
- Name it internally.
Recognize the pattern without taking it personally. Their behavior says
more about them than it does about you.
- Set conversational boundaries. Redirect the conversation back to yourself or others
gently but firmly.
- Use humor or empathy.
Light teasing (“Okay, you win!”) can diffuse tension, or you can respond
with empathy: “That sounds like it was hard—can I finish my thought real
quick?”
- Create space elsewhere. Build relationships with those who share and listen in
equal measure.
Conclusion: Letting Others Shine
In the grand tapestry of human
communication, the threads that bind us aren’t the stories of grandeur we tell but the way we make others feel heard, seen, and respected. The One Upsman,
though often unaware, tears at those threads with every boastful retort and
every stolen spotlight. They may believe they’re just contributing, just
sharing, just relating. But in reality, they’re stifling the very essence of connection:
listening.
At its core, meaningful conversation
isn’t a race to the top of Mount Impressive. It’s a safe space where emotions,
thoughts, and stories are exchanged freely and with care. The need to be the
most interesting person in the room reveals more about one's internal emptiness
than their external accomplishments. It speaks to a desire to be validated, to
be valued, to matter. But, ironically, that validation can only be earned
through authentic engagement—not by overshadowing others but by uplifting them.
To those who have felt pushed into
silence by a One Upsman: your story matters. Your experiences don’t need a
punchline or a peak moment to be valid. You deserve to be heard without
comparison or competition. And you have the right to set boundaries with those
who continually make it about themselves.
To the One Upsman: Consider this
your mirror. If you recognize yourself in these pages, know that it’s not too
late to shift. You don’t need to dominate to be important. You don’t need to
top someone’s story to feel worthy. Start by simply listening—fully,
attentively, and without waiting for your turn to speak. Ask questions. Be
curious. Show up not to shine but to reflect the light of those around you.
You may find that in doing so, you become the very person others admire and
feel safe around.
One-upmanship might win you a
fleeting moment of attention, but it will cost you a long-term connection. True
conversation requires humility, empathy, and trust—values that can’t be faked
or forced. They must be cultivated.
So the next time someone begins a
story, resist the urge to hijack it. Let it breathe. Let it finish. Applaud the
courage it takes to share. And remember, life isn’t a scoreboard. Sometimes,
the most powerful contribution you can make is your quiet presence—a nod, a
smile, a simple, genuine "Tell me more."
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