Argue – Contention – Conflict

 

Argue – Contention – Conflict

 

Heavenly Father in the scriptures has clearly told us repeatedly to live in peace with one another, live in harmony, be slow to anger, be compassionate, sympathetic, to love our neighbor as our self, to watch what comes out of our mouth, do not live in conflict with one another, and forgive our brother and sisters.

 

Even though the Lord has told this to us throughout the scriptures it seems so difficult for many people to live in peace with one another.

 

What is the opposite of peace – contention, what is the opposite of civil communication – arguing.

 

Argue – to offer reasons for or against, debate. To try to prove with reasoning, maintain. To engage in a quarrel, dispute. To influence or persuade. Other synonyms – bicker, contend, dispute, fight, quarrel, squabble, and wrangle.

 

Contention – controversy, rivalry, competition. An assertion.

 

Why is it then that we feeling compelled to engage in such verbal warfare in the context of a marital relationship or any other relationship of significance?

 

If we are all supposed to be on the same team why do we bicker with one another, why are there so many disputes?

 

The answer may lie in expectation and the lack of properly communicated opinions, beliefs and values.

 

For the most part people are going to want to live in peace, harmony and to experience whenever possible joy, happiness and pleasure.

 

I don’t believe there are many of us who would in their right mind choose pain, misery and suffering over joy, peace, happiness and pleasure.

 

Communication – communicate – to make known, disclose. To have an exchange, as of ideas. The exchange of ideas, messages or information.

 

Values – an amount regarded as a fair equivalent for something. Material worth. Worth in importance or usefulness to the possessor. A standard or principle regarded as desirable or worthwhile.

 

Opinions – a belief held with confidence but not substantiated with positive knowledge. A conclusion based on special knowledge. A judgment of the value of a person or a thing.

 

Beliefs – trust, confidence. Something as a tenet, that is believed, conviction.

 

People are composed with their own set of values, opinions and beliefs and there are no two people that have or ever will exist in this universe that have the exact same set of values, opinions and beliefs.

 

Each of us is unique and it is our uniqueness that makes us different from one another.

 

Not only are we unique in appearance (a result of 2 sets of DNA combining together), we are also unique in the mental characteristics which govern our values, opinions and beliefs.

 

Now lay on top of this foundation our own individual needs, wants and desires and as you can imagine you have a volatile and emotional discharged physical human being.

 

Each of us enters into our relationships with a specific agenda.

 

Many of us do not or are incapable of expressing that agenda.

 

For many of us that agenda is indefinable, forever changing and never stable.

 

Most people do not have a firm conviction of their own state of values, opinions and beliefs.

 

They simple charge through life seeking joy, peace and happiness as it relates to them, other people are merely a byproduct, a necessary requirement to be used or leveraged.

 

All people want to experience joy, peace and happiness and all people want to have every one of their needs, wants and desires fulfilled.

All people want to believe they have an inherent right to fulfillment of their every need, want or desire.

 

If given the choice we would never compromise, as it stands we all know that in order to exist in our world we must.

 

Compromise – a settlement of differences between opposing sides in which each side makes a concession. Something combining the qualities of different things. To settle by or accept concessions. To make a compromise.

 

Since we can’t have everything we want we must learn to compromise with one another and the world. We are not alone in this world as Adam was when he first was in the Garden of Eden. Even our Heavenly Father knew Adam would need a helpmate, so he made Eve.

 

We are not designed to exist on this earth by our self; therefore we must all learn to get along, as the Lord says to live in peace and harmony with one another.

 

Life is not fair, if you expect it to be you will be greatly disappointed.

 

Life is not fair, it never has been and it will never will be!

 

The degree to which we experience joy, peace and happiness will be aligned with our ability to settle our differences with one another in a fashion which we perceive to be equitable to us.

 

The more you expect life to be fair, to treat you with righteousness and truth, the greater will be your disappointment.

 

All of us are a composition of unfulfilled needs, wants and desires and unfortunately for many of us we look to others instead of our self to fulfill those needs, wants and desires and when they don't we become angry, bitter, hostile, jealous, frustrated, demanding.

 

We yell, scream, threaten, demand, others to conform to our agenda, to fulfill our needs wants and desires and all too often we have never fully expressed these needs wants and desires in a manner which was properly communicated or completely accepted.

 

We all have needs, wants and desires, we all hold values, opinions and beliefs, we all communicate verbally and nonverbally, we all live in this world along with everyone else who has their own unique set of the above.

 

Is there any doubt that we are not going to live in peace and harmony with one another?

 

For the most part since childhood, we perceive we have not been treated fairly; we certainly did not get everything we believed we needed, wanted or desired. As we grew we hoped that once we became independent of our parents that we would have some control over our own destiny when it came to fulfilling these needs, unfortunately we came to the realization that this was easier said than done.

 

Again for most of us we were led to believe in the institution of marriage and that in marrying we would live in state of peace, harmony or bliss because now there would be two joined together deeply committed to satisfying one another’s every need, want and desire.

 

Wrong!

 

That is not what marriage is about; it is not what we can get from our partner, it is what we can give to our partner (service) that will bring us peace, joy and harmony.

 

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you,

 

It is better to give than receive.

 

Why do people argue with one another, why do they fight?

 

It stems from unresolved and unfulfilled needs, wants and desires.

 

We expect others to understand, we expect others to fulfill our needs, wants and desires.

 

Unfortunately most of these desires go unexpressed and unaccepted causing confusion which leads to disagreements which lead to arguments.

Some people’s values, beliefs and opinions are so ingrained that they leave very little if any room for negotiation or compromise.

 

We refer to these individuals as stubborn or hardheaded.

 

Stubborn – unreasonably inflexible, obstinate and willful. Determined or persistent. Difficult to control or handle, resistant.

 

At the beginning of any relationship people are typically somewhat flexible and are willing to compromise. As two people get to know one another, the stronger the desire to fulfill their needs, wants and desires. When these go unfulfilled and there is belief that another is at fault, to blame or the cause of the unfulfilled need, panic breaks out within an individual and they prepare to battle, fight.

 

We are all willing to compromise, be flexible or negotiate to a point; once that point has been crossed we become resistant, obstinate, inflexible, unreasonable and willful.

 

Our stubbornness leads us to withdraw or go on the offensive.

 

People are said to be extroverts or introverts.

 

Extrovert – one who is socially outgoing or communicative.

 

Introvert – one who is chiefly concerned with one’s own mental life rather than friends and social activities.

 

Some people believe a good offensive is better than a good defense and vice versa.

 

When two people disagree on anything they can…

 

1. Compromise

 

2. Fight

 

3. Exit the situation.

 

When you fight you may win the battle and lose the war.

 

Relationships are about compromise, period.

They are about serving one another, period.

 

One reason communication breaks down is a lack of trust, faith, belief in the other person.

 

We are much less willing to be flexible, negotiate or compromise with another individual we don’t trust, have respect for, don’t understand, know or believe in the other person.

 

Once the trust is broke in a relationship, communication – open, honest, truthful becomes somewhat strained.

 

People find themselves less interested in pursuing the good of both parties and start looking out for their own safety, security, interest.

 

When you look out for your own interest and not in the interest of others your focus is on your own self-gratification, self-fulfillment, self-pleasure, selfishness.

 

We start looking out for number one at the expense of the relationship.

 

The gospel clearly tells us that when two people are married that two shall become one flesh, in mind, body and spirit.

 

The gospel also instructs us not to gratify ourselves and to forgive one another.

 

Love means never having to say you’re sorry because the other person does not resign themselves to being a victim and they know what it means to forgive.

 

Certainly we will all get our feelings hurt from time to time, we won’t be on the same page as our partner and we will not agree on everything.

 

When we are in the service of others we place our needs, wants and desires second to those we are in service to.

 

It sounds so simply, yet it is extremely difficult to humble our self to be a servant to others.

 

Most of us have a fear of being taken advantage of, of not standing up for our self, giving off the appearance of being weak.

 

In our weakness the Lord will make us strong.

 

It is better to give than receive.

 

When we compromise we are not giving up or giving in, we are not losing the battle we are simply choosing to live in peace and harmony.

 

We have been told, don’t sweat the small stuff.

 

We get in disagreements with others when we want to put our agenda first.

 

When you sit down to communicate with your partner it is important to establish an open, honest, truthful, sincere dialog.

 

The Lord tells us not to judge our neighbor or loved one.

 

So when you are talking it is important to listen, respect, and honor the other person’s opinions, beliefs and values.

 

When you do this they will feel free to express themselves without fear, uncertainty or doubt on how you will react.

 

When we don’t stand in judgment on what others say, we allow them to freely express themselves with complete truthfulness.

 

When we completely love and accept others for the unique people that they are, we allow them to be exactly who they are without pretense or falsehood (façade).

 

It will amaze you to see how others freely communicate with you when they trust that you won’t in any way harm them, hurt their feelings, put them down, attempt to change them, criticize them, and be critical of them.

 

Love is opening your ears and not your mouth.

 

You know you really love someone when you don’t stand in judgment of that which they say or do.

 

The Lord said he will judge those when he has chosen, he asks us to love our neighbor as our self.

 

That is it for now.

 

Praise you Lord Jesus Christ.

 

There is no room in Gods kingdom for arguing, contention, fighting, bickering, raising ones voice, getting upset, mad, angry, bitter, hostile, and stubborn. There is no room for those who withdraw their love from others as a means of control, insecurity, punishment, or out of anger.

 

The Lord tells us never go to bed angry with one another.

 

He cautions about anger and the use of our tongue.

 

Proverbs 15:11 – A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 29:11 – A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. In Proverbs 22:24 – we see, do not make friends with a hot tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 79:22 – An angry man stirs up dissension and a hot tempered one commits many sins. In James 1:19 – Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

 

As you can see, anger is of no benefit to the Christian man or woman. It does not bring peace or harmony to the relationship.

 

Arguments, contention, anger are of the devil.

 

Satan will attempt to use any destructive human emotional to separate us from the love of the Lord.

 

When your anger gets the best of you, the best thing to do is get on your knees and pray to the Lord for forgiveness. When the two of you are in disagreement with one another on the best way to accomplish whatever both of you get on your knees and present whatever it is to the Lord, he will supply you with the answer to your prayers.