Divorced Fathers grieve the loss of their child or children. From a divorced Father's perspective.

 

Divorced Fathers grieve the loss of their child or children. From a divorced Father's perspective.

Divorced Fathers grieve the loss of their child or children.

From a divorced Father’s perspective.

Divorced Fathers can grieve the loss of the daily connection they had with their children if the children’s primary custody is awarded to the Mother in the divorce.  I don’t think Mothers who are awarded primary custody fully understand or appreciate that there are nurturing, loving Father’s who grieve the loss of their children. I am one of those Father’s.

I was as integral a part of the raising of the children, if not more involved in attending to the daily affairs of the children.

It was me who woke the children in the morning, who made them breakfast, made their sack lunches, drove them to school, picked them up from school, shuttled them around to their activities, coached their sports teams, helped them with their homework, put them to bed each night, read them stories or told them stories before they went to sleep.

My former spouse was a stay at home Mother and occasionally helped me with the children but it was I who was as equal a caretaker of the children.

The world that I knew while I was married abruptly changed when my former spouse and I divorced.  No longer was I care taking and attending to the needs of the children on a daily basis. My life prior to the divorce revolved around taking care of the children, taking care of the home, taking care of the needs of my former spouse, providing for my Family, running errands, devoted to my church  and the community.

You ask me how I had the time, I made time for what was most important to me and that was attending to the needs of my Family.

I had some early success in business and had children a little later in life which provided me with some flexibility when it came committing time to my family and my vocation.

I was and am grateful that I had those years with my children, that I could serve the needs of my children and my former spouse and that I was part of a family which for me was the greatest gift in the world.

I grieve the loss of being part of a family, of being involved in the day to day affairs of my children, of seeing their smiling faces in the morning and seeing them off to school.  I miss preparing a snack for them as I brought them home from school, of ferrying them off to their activities and spending time with them helping them with their homework. 

I miss seeing my children and I miss being part of a family.

For this Father the importance of my presence in the home was paramount to my happiness in my marriage.  I know the importance of a Father in a home and I was willing to fight to keep my marriage healthy and happy so that I could remain in the home even to the point of losing a piece of who I was as a person.  I may have compromised way too much in my marriage but I did so because of my strong belief that I needed to be there for my children.

(I will publish as my next blog “Daddy I love you” which you may want to read where I discuss the role and responsibility of a Father.)

Mothers you know what type of Father your former spouse was to your children.  If he was a dedicated, devoted, loving Father to the children, know this, he is grieving the loss of the children and he may not know how to show or articulate it, but he misses his children.

There are plenty of men who grew up in intact families that wanted to start a family of their own and had no notion that one day they would be divorced.  The role model of a Mother and Father remaining married throughout their life has now shattered with the divorce and for many men they have a difficult or hard time understanding their role as a parent when it comes to seeing their children live with their Mother.

This is foreign territory for these men.  They did not experience this growing up and they may have difficulty adjusting to seeing their children on a part time basis which may manifest itself in ways that will confuse the Mother.  Know this, it is confusing for the Father as well.

Mother’s if you are the primary caretaker and now the courts have awarded you custody and the Father now has the right to see his children every other weekend, a total of around 6 days a month, know this, he is hurting inside, he may not show it, but I will guarantee you, the loss of seeing his children outweighs everything else “if” he takes his role as a Father as his number one priority in life, as I did.

My former spouse does not get this.  Since our divorce she has decided it was up to the children to communicate with me regarding the parenting schedule.  She has refused to communicate with me regarding my visitation with the children.  She has also refused to drive the children to see me so I am the only one driving the kids back and forth between our two homes, which I gladly do. About a year ago my former spouse and her new husband moved an hour away from where the two of us were living (we were living 6 blocks away from each other in the same community).  I begged and pleaded with her not to move so far away, knowing that this would hurt my relationship with our children. My pleas fell on deaf ears. 

My children are teenagers now and have very busy and active lives.  I don’t see them as often as I like and I miss them. My former spouse continues to refuse the drive the children to see me and insist it is up to the children to determine if and when they will spend time with me, which these days is not very often. She insists if I want to see my children I should work it out with them. She takes absolutely no responsibility in making sure the children adhere to the visitation schedule. She refuses to participate in the parenting schedule leaving it all up to the children.

To make co-parenting matters worse, my former spouse refuses to communicate with me via phone, text or email and brought me back to court so that she may receive more child support even though there has been no material change in my employment situation. The child support was determined just over a year ago and since then my former spouse has been attempting repeatedly to try and get more child support.

I don’t think she understands the importance of a loving Father in the life of a child. 

All I ever wanted to be was a Dad, a Father my children could count on.

That was taken away from me when I got divorced.  It is not the same Fathering a child from a distance.  Calling and texting them, occasionally seeing them or going to their activities and events is not the same as seeing them every day.

Mom’s, there are some Dads who love their children so much that they would do most anything they could to spend TIME with them.  If your former spouse is one of these Father’s, please help him get the TIME he needs to be around his children.  Your children are the ones who will benefit.  Children need both  a Mother and a Father, not just a Mother and not a Mother and a Step Father. A child has the right to know their Father. A Father has a right to parent their children.

Lets all just get along for the sake of the child.

God bless you all.  May he fill your life with peace, joy and happiness